The passion and fire in the music you're listening to is the passion and fire that lives inside me. Whenever I hear the light and darkness seeping out by the music within, I cant help but feel. FEEL. The Lord of the Rings is my favorite trilogy set, both the movies and the books. J.R.R. Tolkein's gift of expressing emotion in words, and Howard Shore's miracle of expressing it in music is really inspiring to me. When I need to feel something that I cant exactly let out in real life, I go to music to help me reveal it.
Inside my head, when Im writing, I hear and feel music and emotions pulse through me. It makes my writing come alive... become real. When tears flow down my cheeks, that is when it is the best time to write the sorrow and brokenness... when I am happy and laughing, and when the music is happy as well, I can successfully express my light and joy into my writing.
Maybe I feel like my writing has been lacking in emotion because I have been so confused with what exactly Im feeling at the moment. Maybe I cant express the vividry and character that I used to be because I am confusing emotion and passion with depression. Im letting it take ahold of me and not let me go. And that has to stop.
So what am I feeling right now? What am I thinking right now? Im listening to the music- The Riders of Rohan galloping out onto the plain into certain doom. Theres a dark edge to the scene, the tears dripping off of their loved ones faces- they dont knw if they'll ever see them again. Were they foolish at rushing into such death? Or were they valiant? This is what Im feeling right now. I feel like a Rider, looking back at my family... looking back, almost blinded by my tears. Asking myself if this was worth it... to leave them behind with no protection in order to fight against an enemy I have not yet seen. Am I strong enough to do this? Why am I leaving them? Yet I have been called to do so, it is my duty... and I will follow my King to whatever end. I have vowed to do this. I turn my head away from my past and to my calling. A certain joy and freedom follows me, but the meaning and passion lingers as well. I am a Rider of Rohan, though leaving my home to fight, I am fighting for the freedom from the darkness.
I look over these words, and I really dont know what to say about them. I can do so much better, Ive seen myself do so much better... but inside I feel like I really have nothing to say. God has given me the gift of writing, and if its his wish to make me learn this gift of finding my feelings and passion all over again, Im going to willingly do this. I have to.
Tears are falling off my chin right now. Im so frusterated with myself. Words used to just flow out of my pen... I used to be complimented for my writing. I could write books at the drop of a hat, and every passing stranger, and in every circumstance I found inspiration for another character.. another plot. Now... Now, Im dead. Im lonely, my characters are no longer alive.
I have no other choice but to write through this barrier. It is the same with who I am... I have to fight through this barrier. I have to learn that the walls I was putting up has caged me in, and my writing is on the wrong side of the wall. Im actually scared. I dont know if Ill ever get back to where I was before. I had so much going on... I would be writing til late at night... early in the morning I would wake up and scribble more. I loved it. I loved it.
Where, oh where have I gone to??? I was so caught up with being someone else that the real me has gotten away. Oh God, I hate this!