Thursday, May 20, 2010


Ive been riddled with bullets,
I can no longer stand.
My heart is pounding,
my chest to my hand...

Ive been fighting a good fight
atleast what they say;
the battle took hours,
All night and all day.

I crawl to the edge
Of the Veteran's Hill;
On these long green tresses
Much blood has been spilt.

The sounds in my ears,
are of death closing in...
I feel like a Saint
Drowning in sin.

I was here to fight,
protect and to win-
The freedom of innocents
whose lives that were pinned
To Depravity, and Depression
And Death and Doubt,
But my acts seemed in vain,
my words merely spout.

They loved their enslavement,
their chains, their fetters.
They loved oppression
and bowing to betters.

They desired scarred hands
over freedom and life.
They wanted lonesomeness
over Family, and Wife.

They fought over scraps,
when the table was open.
They didnt want to live,
they were happy with "coping".

I tried to explain
that Life was so much more.
But none would turn ear
Nor open their door.

I tried to show them
by demonstating myself.
I longed to show them
the extent of my Wealth.

I wanted to love them,
they were so lost.
Like strangled new plants
under mid-spring's frost.

But they denied me,
they werent able to see;
That the reason they're breathing
was all because of me.

So I told them one last thing
To try and get some eye.
The only way I free them
is to go and die.

I fought for thier hearts
I fought for their souls
I threw my all into it,
Love was my goal.

And when the last shot
from Heaven was heard...
I fell down the Valley
with not another word.

And now I lay dying,
Hoping and pleaing.
That those whom I saved
Would stop all their fleeing.

That my fight to free
their children and wives,
and gave up my soul
for their very lives,
would change something in them
Even just a small bit
They would finally realize
they're stuck in a pit.

One man's death
for a million's escape,
from the inevitable death
that's every mans fate.

I wish I could say
that they all ran free.
I wish I could say
they remembered me.

But even though
I crawled to the top
And let open the gates
That all others stopped,
they still loved their monotonous
rambling slop.

Nothing I can do
can make them realize!
That they live a life
that leads to demise!

And I went to my death
fighting for Light
fighting for Good to win
Wrong to Right...

I hope some will listen,
I hope some will turn.
I dont know yet...
Who will learn?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


A couple of weeks ago I did some calculating, and I realized (unfortunately) that I was about thirty pounds over my perspective wieght based on my height and bone structure. This didnt exactly come to me as a shock... My self-image hasnt ever been all that great. I was scared that this knowledge would trigger some bad habits that lead me into a eating disorerlike craze that I believed I had kicked for good. Its hard for me to find balance, and with eating, I didnt want myself to go overboard either way.

Its hard for me to find balance. I obsess with so much, and then when I start trying to find balance, I obsess in what that balance is supposed to look like, and how close to the mark Ive set I am. I try hard to not create opportunities for me to outlet my addictive personality, but its so hard when things are like this. Cant do too much, cant do too little, but cant become too controlling in doing neither excessively... I dont know.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

My Bestest Friend

It has been a long time since I took a couple minutes from my day to write a post on my blog about the progress Ive been having, so here I am to do just that- and to apologize for not doing it sooner.

I dont know if its the depression still trying to fight me (because things dont go away overnight) or if its a lingering conviction I havent chosen to listen to, but something makes me feel like Im pending right now. Today I got to hang out with my very best friend and we had a blast- I think we havent been able to talk like we did in a very long time... and the feeling is- different. I dont know how to place it, or where to place it, but I feel different every time I talk to her, every time I hang out with her. So I decided (right here and now) to think this through- her effect on me, and then in turn, my response to this effect, here in this post.

I have known her now, for as long as I can remember, it seems. And though the infamous quote "knows me better than I know myself" might not quite apply perfectly, she does know alot about me. Alot Ive let her know, and some shes figured out on her own. Shes quiet in her confidence, indecisive when it comes to things of irrelevancy, and skips down the hall only when the person she's with skips themselves (and started first, or the subject was offered)... completely and utterly opposite of me. But she also loves the Lord, strives to better herself in His eyes, and is an ever-present role model for me when times get tough.

Im going to be completely honest here and let you in on a little secret- Im not the commiting type. I dont stick around forever. I dont like it, its too scarey. Its too predictable. Its too close. I tried too many times, and although for awhile the results seemed satisfying, the emphasis has always been "for awhile". I dont know how to do this "forever" thing... Im going to tell the truth, and say, at this point, I never really wanted to do it. I wasnt ever willing to accept that someone could love me as much as I loved other people- somehow my flaws were the things that drove people away, and that my walls were too thick and too wide for anyone to come in close enough for a shot, and I liked it that way.

But... shes different. And not different in an overall good way either. I didnt open up over night... it wasnt that "Oh we're best friends so lets share all our secrets and make a secret club with a secret handshake"... (though there was a club... no handshake however- bummer). Life was difficult for me at the early stages of our friendship... and even though we've been best friends for six (going on seven) years now, I cant tell you if life was hard or easy for her during that time. Ive never asked. Maybe its because I dont want to hear what I missed out on... or maybe its because I dont want to hear that she can relate.

I used to have this really weird urge to protect her. Like shes this unmarred, innocent little thing that needs some big strong somebody to lead her through life making sure wrongs get turned into rights, frowns turned into smiles, and ice cream cones dont fall into sandboxes. Unfortunately, she already had someone for the job. Her God. :( My luck.

Im starting to slowly realize that my love for people isnt enough. Im not big enough to heal them, make them feel better, take the pain away, or even shield some of that from happening in the future. Im not big enough to keep them from hurting, or hurting others, or witnessing someone somewhere get hurt. But God is... and I just need to let His love do the job... and let people go.

Shes one of the smartest people I know. She asks me "Did you pray about it?" when I ask her for advice. She takes pictures of us together and tells me I look cute. She critiques my new hair cut (I cut my own hair) and tells me the truth. I can trust her to not turn her back on me, even if Im on the floor, sobbing, with a pregnancy test in my hand. I cant hold back the tears now, thinking of all the strength and courage my God (and her God) has gifted her with... and how little I gave her credit for... for how much I doubted her... for how frequently I didnt tell her the whole truth... for the walls, and the lies, and the pain. She doesnt/didnt deserve that.

I am trying my hardest to change now. When I realize something, I try my hardest to change it. My best friend is now someone I know KNOW KNOW I can trust. The traits I see in her I want in my future husband, I want in my future kids. The God in her I see so clearly... I want to be so reflective of His light. :)

Its still hard for me to open up, and I still have the instinct to protect her to fight... but I believe she (and I) are in good Hands. Of a very very VERY Best Friend indeed.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

All My Husbands

Saturday Night.

I was/am home alone, and I was letting myself get bored, and I was deciding whether to let some things control my decisions- saying stupid bull like "Ill start stopping next week!" lol stupid me.

God took my stimulating friends (the Bible calls them "Bad Company") from me, and He took my phone service from me too... caused my eyes get hot and hurt so that the computer and tv were harsh and cruel, and made my Bible be conveniently sitting on my bed the exact time I yelled "Why am I avoiding You, Lord?!" in my head.

I opened up my Bible, and continued reading Ezra (Third Day and Building 429 music in the background)... and it was the end of the book, and I SWEAR I was thinking 'I cant wait to move on and check this off that I DID this' when I realized what I was truely reading. It was about the intermarraige the Israelites had done with foreigners and pagans, and he (Ezra) tore his robes and wept.

"O My God, I am too ashamed and disgraced
to lift up my face to you, my God,
because our sins are higher than our heads
and our guilt has reached to the heavens."
YES! LORD! (me)
Then he (Ezra) goes on to tell the Israelites to confess and to send their foreign wives and children away. (!!!)
I realized what I was saying in my head even before I finished saying it- "Sounds a little extreme... send away their wives and children??? blablablabla" Then it clicked. They were to divorce and send away their foreign wives and children.
LORD I have married and had children with things that should never have that role in my life. I cannot think for two, four, seven (however many "weddings" Ive been through)! Lord, help me divorce my husbands! Not only the physical beings you've already convicted and caused me to strip from my life, but these things, feelings, objects, and actions too! I want to be a free woman! I want to be single!
Teach me how to divorce each one out of my life! Teach me!
Teach me how to handle the loss of my "husband" and "children".
Teach me to cling to you for comfort rather to my other "husbands".
Tech me how to send them away completely and know when another one comes-a-courting!

Monday, May 3, 2010


God has really been doing some hefty work in my life these past few weeks... from convictions worth years of bitterness, clearing out all my friends who have even a hint of bad character in them, and bringing emotional chaos in my life- to bring me ever closer to Him. He has revealed Himself so strangely and so wonderously these past weeks that I am blown away and humbled greatly by everything that He has done for me...

Lately, just now, actually, I feel so guilty. Guilty for holding on to my selfish desires and brokenness when I feel like I should be whole, and helping OTHERS not nursing my wounds on the sidelines of life. I do so much complaining, that I waste time talking about the problems I have and doing nothing about them, and missing out on the grace, and the blessing, and the miracles I could have seen by God through me and other people.

Recently God has removed from my life all of the friends that I deeply emotionally cared about, but were no good for my life. They not only brought me down, but hindered and crippled me from making good, pure decisions. They caused me to closet God, and hide him, instead of be confident in my faith enough to yell Him from the roof tops. They made me ashamed of my God. They made me ashamed of my beliefs. They caused me to compromise my standards, and marr my purity of spirit, mind and body. And when I was not able to remove them from my life myself, God stepped in, and through bazaar incidents that dont make sense and cannot be explained, one by one each one has dissappeared. And I am so relieved.

Love has always been a hard thing for me. I care about people deeply... but its always been hard for me to truely love someone, because I have been so hurt so deeply so often. I cannot trust completely because life is cruel. All of my life I have desparately held on to the belief that No one can love me as much as I love other people.

THAT IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL. I have to yell this because my ears have been closed to this for so long. People LOVE me! People love and care about me deeply! I am not alone, and I am not letting anyone down by not throwing myself into the crowds broken... I am not sinning by striving to be whole... I am loved I am loved I am loved. I do NOT need to be going after any kind of sexual compulsive behaviors with ANYONE for outlet of emotional brokenness. The ONLY ONE who can make me whole is YOU, GOD! You!

Lord Lord Lord... my Daddy. I want you, I need you! Lord, my Savior! I am so broken I cannot bear the pain anymore. The blood flows off my fingertips onto your brow... and I realize that I cannot give what I cannot have. I cannot love anyone without at first receiving it... and with the belief of No one can love me as much as I love others-- comes no love at all. Refusal that anyone can love me. Refusal that I need love. But THAT IS NOT TRUE. You love me. You love me. You love me.

I cannot live like this... so far away from you. I want you close to me... so close I can feel your breath inside my heart... so close that I can feel your power in my fingertips. You humble me and strengthen me with confidence all at the same time. GLORY is yours Glory is YOURS!!!

Your voice has told me so much... and I am greiving my loss right now. Grieving the loss of my sinful nature, grieving the loss of the friends I loved and cared about, grieving the loss of my own desires and my own will- but happy and so relieved at the same time. I have already proved that I cannot rule my life on my own very well at all without causing pain and brokenness to myself and everyone around me. I understand now how you are God and I am just a girl. Love me and tear away my bitterness and hatred, my security Lord, take away my routine. Give me flexibility Lord, give me hope... give me joy. I need joy, Lord. I want joy.

Use me, Lord. I want to be whole. I want to be WHOLE.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

The Definition of Love

Love is Love is Love is Love. The definition of Love is definitive- therefore a period, not a dotdotdot, not a comma, not a semi-colon... People tend to believe that their pursuit of Love is infinitely based on their definition of it... but I believe that is wrong. They are merely describing their feelings or response to Love, or their desired ideallic feelings as such. Love's definition does not alter between persons, but remains the same- they instead manipulate their idea of the definition of Love to fit their desired feelings and emotional/spiritual/physical destination. Love is a universal term... a universal, infinite term that describes and definest something of its own entity within itself. Petty humans cannot master something so great without directing themselves to the Definition of Love Himself.

What is the definition of love? Prehaps the true question, in this case, is who, not what. Love is, essentially, impossible to grasp. It has a category all on its own- it can describe others and itself entirely at the same time. You can feel love, see love, show love, be love, give love, recieve love, call love by its name... as if it broke and fulfilled all of the grammatical laws of language we know of. Although the Definition of Love Himself cannot be defined by just a couple lines in a dictionary (no, not even the thousands of pages can contain enough information that would sufficiently scrape the surface of such a definition), there are ways we can detect Love- detect its true identity, versus it's imposters. Those who see Love as a word, a deed, a feeling that can be manipulated, predicted, brushed aside or stimulated by man alone. Those who believe Love is something to be lost, fallen into, found, or fallen out of. Love is not a wandering hole in the ground someone trips into and flounders around in... neither is Love so menial a thing that it can be lost by a word, deed or feeling.

Love is so much greater. Love is Greater. It is The Greater. Not only bigger than our brains can intellectually rationalize, but it is The Bigger. It is not vast but The Vast, not complete but The Complete. Love holds tight the perfection we so strangely pursue in imperfection. We desire completion, wholeness... by searching for it in broken things. Love's worldly picture creates standards to be met, quotas to be met, needs to be satisfied, feelings to be felt... words to be said- when in reality all of those things indeed are included in The Defintion, but only included- they are not, in turn, the definition themselves, which so many people so sadly mistake them to be.

Love is Patient. The Patience people are when they are perfectly patient. Perfection in Patience. Same with Kindness. Love is Kind. The Definition of Love is both Patient (in it's completion), and Kind (in its completion). Love does not envy. What does this mean? That He- the Definition of Love- cannot be envious of others because Love is the residence above all things. Love has no jealousy of things it already has- for jealousy is of lusting after what one does not have, and Love holds everything. Love is perfectly complete.

Love is not rude. Because Love does not need to rise any further. He doesnt require the slashing of others in order to elevate Himself- Love is perfectly complete. Love is not self-seeking... Love is not easily angered, Love keeps no record of wrongs, Love doesnt delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love delights in the Truth because it is the Truth. Love defines Truth and Truth defines Love. They are one. Anything evil will break it, and since Love is perfectly complete, therefore there is no brokenness. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. The definition of Always is infinite. It is perfectly continuing forever. There is never a time when it isnt- Always is forever. Love is forever. If at one time Love did not protect, trust, hope or persevere- Love would cease to be itself.

Love never fails. Never is forever. If Love failed even once- it would cease to be Love. Love Himself would cease to be Himself. Because forever continues perfectly on. And Love is forever.

These are the things Love is. But the Definition of Love still is mind-boggling. Who is this entity who can contain these perfect, complete, infinite traits? Love can only be found by asking this question. Love is that substinance that we, whoever we are, strive for all of our lives. Consciously or unconsciously. Intentionally or unintentionally. We are here, ultimately, because of Love. To find Him... or, rather, for Him to find us.

We frequently make the mistake of believing that Love is something we can say offhandedly to our girlfriend, parent, best friend, sibling- without thought or second thought... mostly in ignorance (sometimes in intentional refusal of the knowledge) of the true Definition of Love. It really is His name we are using so crassly every day of our lives. He is Love, is He not? Therefore it is His Definition and He is it's. Then why do we use the term "love" so loosely- a thing that has so much... is so much. Perfectly MUCH.

You can laugh or roll your eyes, sigh, and move on- but hopefully not. Hopefully my epiphany (my "aha moment) has created one of your own. I know that my desire of Love is emminent... and my desire to become a Missionary has stemmed ultimately from my yearn to reveal this Love (in all of its perfection and completion) to others. Ive realized that not only does 1st Corinthians 13 define God, but it should define us (in all of its perfection and completion) because we are no longer bearers of excuse in Ignorance. We cannot say we have exeption to flaw. We are of God... and God is of us! The Definition of Love should be ultimately and definitively, shown and revealed through us.

Why is this so often not the case!?