God has really been doing some hefty work in my life these past few weeks... from convictions worth years of bitterness, clearing out all my friends who have even a hint of bad character in them, and bringing emotional chaos in my life- to bring me ever closer to Him. He has revealed Himself so strangely and so wonderously these past weeks that I am blown away and humbled greatly by everything that He has done for me...
Lately, just now, actually, I feel so guilty. Guilty for holding on to my selfish desires and brokenness when I feel like I should be whole, and helping OTHERS not nursing my wounds on the sidelines of life. I do so much complaining, that I waste time talking about the problems I have and doing nothing about them, and missing out on the grace, and the blessing, and the miracles I could have seen by God through me and other people.
Recently God has removed from my life all of the friends that I deeply emotionally cared about, but were no good for my life. They not only brought me down, but hindered and crippled me from making good, pure decisions. They caused me to closet God, and hide him, instead of be confident in my faith enough to yell Him from the roof tops. They made me ashamed of my God. They made me ashamed of my beliefs. They caused me to compromise my standards, and marr my purity of spirit, mind and body. And when I was not able to remove them from my life myself, God stepped in, and through bazaar incidents that dont make sense and cannot be explained, one by one each one has dissappeared. And I am so relieved.
Love has always been a hard thing for me. I care about people deeply... but its always been hard for me to truely love someone, because I have been so hurt so deeply so often. I cannot trust completely because life is cruel. All of my life I have desparately held on to the belief that No one can love me as much as I love other people.
THAT IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL. I have to yell this because my ears have been closed to this for so long. People LOVE me! People love and care about me deeply! I am not alone, and I am not letting anyone down by not throwing myself into the crowds broken... I am not sinning by striving to be whole... I am loved I am loved I am loved. I do NOT need to be going after any kind of sexual compulsive behaviors with ANYONE for outlet of emotional brokenness. The ONLY ONE who can make me whole is YOU, GOD! You!
Lord Lord Lord... my Daddy. I want you, I need you! Lord, my Savior! I am so broken I cannot bear the pain anymore. The blood flows off my fingertips onto your brow... and I realize that I cannot give what I cannot have. I cannot love anyone without at first receiving it... and with the belief of No one can love me as much as I love others-- comes no love at all. Refusal that anyone can love me. Refusal that I need love. But THAT IS NOT TRUE. You love me. You love me. You love me.
I cannot live like this... so far away from you. I want you close to me... so close I can feel your breath inside my heart... so close that I can feel your power in my fingertips. You humble me and strengthen me with confidence all at the same time. GLORY is yours Glory is YOURS!!!
Your voice has told me so much... and I am greiving my loss right now. Grieving the loss of my sinful nature, grieving the loss of the friends I loved and cared about, grieving the loss of my own desires and my own will- but happy and so relieved at the same time. I have already proved that I cannot rule my life on my own very well at all without causing pain and brokenness to myself and everyone around me. I understand now how you are God and I am just a girl. Love me and tear away my bitterness and hatred, my security Lord, take away my routine. Give me flexibility Lord, give me hope... give me joy. I need joy, Lord. I want joy.
Use me, Lord. I want to be whole. I want to be WHOLE.