It has been a long time since I took a couple minutes from my day to write a post on my blog about the progress Ive been having, so here I am to do just that- and to apologize for not doing it sooner.
I dont know if its the depression still trying to fight me (because things dont go away overnight) or if its a lingering conviction I havent chosen to listen to, but something makes me feel like Im pending right now. Today I got to hang out with my very best friend and we had a blast- I think we havent been able to talk like we did in a very long time... and the feeling is- different. I dont know how to place it, or where to place it, but I feel different every time I talk to her, every time I hang out with her. So I decided (right here and now) to think this through- her effect on me, and then in turn, my response to this effect, here in this post.
I have known her now, for as long as I can remember, it seems. And though the infamous quote "knows me better than I know myself" might not quite apply perfectly, she does know alot about me. Alot Ive let her know, and some shes figured out on her own. Shes quiet in her confidence, indecisive when it comes to things of irrelevancy, and skips down the hall only when the person she's with skips themselves (and started first, or the subject was offered)... completely and utterly opposite of me. But she also loves the Lord, strives to better herself in His eyes, and is an ever-present role model for me when times get tough.
Im going to be completely honest here and let you in on a little secret- Im not the commiting type. I dont stick around forever. I dont like it, its too scarey. Its too predictable. Its too close. I tried too many times, and although for awhile the results seemed satisfying, the emphasis has always been "for awhile". I dont know how to do this "forever" thing... Im going to tell the truth, and say, at this point, I never really wanted to do it. I wasnt ever willing to accept that someone could love me as much as I loved other people- somehow my flaws were the things that drove people away, and that my walls were too thick and too wide for anyone to come in close enough for a shot, and I liked it that way.
But... shes different. And not different in an overall good way either. I didnt open up over night... it wasnt that "Oh we're best friends so lets share all our secrets and make a secret club with a secret handshake"... (though there was a club... no handshake however- bummer). Life was difficult for me at the early stages of our friendship... and even though we've been best friends for six (going on seven) years now, I cant tell you if life was hard or easy for her during that time. Ive never asked. Maybe its because I dont want to hear what I missed out on... or maybe its because I dont want to hear that she can relate.
I used to have this really weird urge to protect her. Like shes this unmarred, innocent little thing that needs some big strong somebody to lead her through life making sure wrongs get turned into rights, frowns turned into smiles, and ice cream cones dont fall into sandboxes. Unfortunately, she already had someone for the job. Her God. :( My luck.
Im starting to slowly realize that my love for people isnt enough. Im not big enough to heal them, make them feel better, take the pain away, or even shield some of that from happening in the future. Im not big enough to keep them from hurting, or hurting others, or witnessing someone somewhere get hurt. But God is... and I just need to let His love do the job... and let people go.
Shes one of the smartest people I know. She asks me "Did you pray about it?" when I ask her for advice. She takes pictures of us together and tells me I look cute. She critiques my new hair cut (I cut my own hair) and tells me the truth. I can trust her to not turn her back on me, even if Im on the floor, sobbing, with a pregnancy test in my hand. I cant hold back the tears now, thinking of all the strength and courage my God (and her God) has gifted her with... and how little I gave her credit for... for how much I doubted her... for how frequently I didnt tell her the whole truth... for the walls, and the lies, and the pain. She doesnt/didnt deserve that.
I am trying my hardest to change now. When I realize something, I try my hardest to change it. My best friend is now someone I know KNOW KNOW I can trust. The traits I see in her I want in my future husband, I want in my future kids. The God in her I see so clearly... I want to be so reflective of His light. :)
Its still hard for me to open up, and I still have the instinct to protect her to fight... but I believe she (and I) are in good Hands. Of a very very VERY Best Friend indeed.