Monday, March 29, 2010

How to be Satisfied

Well, here I am again; not much has changed in the few days I was gone. Ive realized a couple things about me that have really changed my perspective of myself, however. I am writing them down here, not only to share them with you, but also to wrap my head around them because they really havent really played through my mind real well yet.

The biggest question that Ive been trying to answer for awhile is Why? Why did I do what I did- disobey my parents, hate authority, act out of blatant defiance and rebellion... lie, cheat, steal, hate, and do all the things I look back on and dont want to remember.

When did it start, and why didnt it stop? Why couldnt I get it? When I was fifteen, sixteen, inside my heart and mind I was still eight. I dont know what really happened situationally speaking, but emotionally and in maturity, I wasnt growing. Ive realized, now, that I have an addictive personality, with compulsive, addictive tendencies. From the time I was told by my mom that as a baby I was never satisfied with just one bottle or one cracker... I always needed, wanted, more. That must've been my signature word, "More".

It hurts to come to the truth that you were an unsatiable child... that you grew up utterly refusing to be content or satisfied with my share... and always having this desire to take yours too. I would steal candy out of my sister's Halloween bucket, or her Easter basket. Not only would I eat all of my candy, but all of hers. All of it! There was no "stop", "self-control", or anything. That I would go to the lengths of dismissing her emotions and feelings, and just invade with no thought of her at all- taking everything, and leaving nothing. Was I never content? I dont remember a time when.

Now that I am older and have grown from the desire of my sisters Halloween treats, I realize that I have lived out my addictive personality in so many ways since then. I hurt from all the things I have been trying to pursue in order to find this one thing Ive wanted to have all of my life- enough. I want to just have enough. I dont want to run all the time to get more, more, more.

I hurt from causing pain to my family during that time. I dont know why I have an addictive personality, and Im so sorry for acting it out as a child, even though I know that as a child I didnt know what I was doing or what was causing it. I wish I had realized this so much sooner, maybe the light of the truth would have opened my eyes to the wounds and confusion I caused my parents when they were trying to raise me and didnt know what they were doing wrong.

Having an addictive tendency, I now realize that I have to set up for myself strong boundaries, so that I wont fall into the rut and chains of that insatiable desire again. Once I cut myself off from one addictive, compulsive behavior, I find myself trying to start another one up... even going as far as things I hate doing, like shopping. If I continue to go down this path in giving in to my natural, sinful nature, I will find myself eating, shopping, watching tv, hanging out with friends, doing things for no reason- and never being happy in the moment because Im always looking for the 'more'.

Lord, Lord! My Father, I dont know what has happened to me, but I know that you are the only one who can bring contentedness to my life. You are the only satisfaction that I have. No amount of boys, money, material things, beauty or fame can change that.

But Lord, Lord I cant do this alone. Each time I sever the chains of one, another closes around my wrists. Only you can free me from myself. I want to be happy in the moment, and be content about today. Lord, Please help me!

Friday, March 26, 2010


Im here at 1247 in the morning to apologize for not writing anything in a long while. :( But Im here with news, and lots of it!

Well, I had a major problem with my computer that Ive finally fixed (all by myself!!! Im terrible with technological "conveniences" and I was amazed that I fixed something without leaving my laptop in smouldering flames.), and even though Im not trying to use that as an excuse for not writing, it was a serious disadvantage. :P

There has been a lot of things God has been placing in my life- good? bad? Im not sure. I havent yet discerned what God has allowed for my benefit, and what he's placed for a test, and what he's permitted to be a temptation by the evils of this world.

This week Ive had to really face my flaws this week. I have two major sin-issues that God has been really tugging at my heart about. One; my hatred for authority and deep desire to be the lord of my own life and the god of my own world. The blatant disdain and loathing of those who were put in my life to "tell me what to do", whether it be with my best interest at heart, or just a formal law everyone needs to follow for the sake of the smooth function of the system... I have realized how much I really work against God- consciously or unconciously. Its hard to see something I have for so long justified with ridiculous reasons and excuses- supposing for a second that maybe God wouldnt notice if I slipped under the radar alittle. Wow, how much I was wrong and he was right! Hes been embracing me with loving arms, but giving me the look of that of a disapproving father- the "You know what the right thing to do in this situation... dont make me spell it out for you" look.

Two; my compulsion to twist the Truth and consistent decision to tell a lie in stead. Ive lived my life on the backs of too much disception, and the foundation is shakey. Im not speaking the language of my Father, but of my father... the devil... and I hate and love it at the same time. I am mortified that these things even come out of my mouth without notice or conscience anymore. I realize now that I have fallen into a bigger pit than I first thought, and cannot get out without some Help.

Thank you, Lord, for loving me even though I constantly forsake you. I love you so much, I cannot know the extent of what you have truely done for me. I pray with a breaking heart, continue to break my heart and my will, so that I may no longer be hard hearted, but finally gently reconciled with you.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Movie Music

Have you ever realized that it's the music that makes you sit on the edge of your seat or cry tears of joy while you watch a movie? What if we did the same to our lives? I know its a funny thought but Im quite serious.

The music I like listening to while I sit and write has always been the music you find in movies. You can guess that by my playlist- the orchestra happy-and-sad music. The music I listen to always seems to have an effect on my writing. Good thing? Bad thing? I dont know. :)

Mood of the Day:

Woad to Ruin, #40.

Composed by Hans Zimmer.

Why? Its a song that both reports hope and ruin at the same time. The scene I have in my head as I listen is a King losing a son, beloved- his first born. The battle that brought such turmoil was lost, there are no rejoicing in the streets. The King rises himself to his full height and orders that all the troops who have lost hope in winning the war to stand together. This is no time to fail. They will unite together against a greater enemy... but for the revenge of a fallen prince.

The calvary calls a charge. The little silence before the yell makes everyones heart leap and their skin tingle. The King armors up in righteous anger against the ones who had slain his son. He throws his sword before him, his hand clutching the hilt like a flag. The first steps of battle were upon them...

Listen to the song and fill in the ending. Picture the scene and complete it in your mind. Thats what I do when I listen to something like this. I enjoy it more than watching the movie itself. Tell me what happens in your scene in the comment area. Id love to hear what you think of!

Friday, March 12, 2010

The Game of Existence

The little story I started here on this blog has a blog of its own (due to its promising potential to grow into a real live book!). If you want to find it go to and tell me what you think of it! :) I hope it has the works to be finished!

The "More"

The town of Bellington was awake sometime between ten and eleven at night with the sounds of commotion coming from the old dock. Police cars flashed the red, white, and blue onto the surrounding homes and boathouses, and screaming people filtered between them. A mother held tight to her husband, as the man who had dove in after her young daughter gasped for breath.

"Did you find her? Did you see her?"

"I didnt see anything, Marna. I cant find her anywhere. I’ve searched the bottom of the lake in this area all over the place. Im... Im sorry."

"No! I saw her fall in right there... Right THERE. What do you mean you cant find her?!" The woman screamed, her tears drowning her face. Her hands where white, clutching at her husbands jacket. He held his arms slack to his side, the look of anger and of frustration passing over his face. "No," He murmered. "Ill go in- Ill find her!" He threw his wife’s arms aside and pulled off his jacket, ripping the seam in his eagerness.

The officer put up a hand to stop him. "You’ll only disturb the water, making it harder for us to see. Just let us take care of this Mr... Mr..."

"Jamison, David Jamison."

"Mr. Jamison, the best thing you can do to help right now, is calm down your wife. Go sit down over there and let us do our job."

Two white orbs of light flooded the scene, then cut. A dark figure stepped out of the car, his long coat and fedora hat hiding any profile the other lights would have given. The police officers parted to let him through. Two, who were already in the water, and one holding the bright spotlight on the water, did not stop to acknowledge him. He just stood there, his eyes glinting under the brim of his hat. Although Marna and her husband did not look up to take notice of this man, the other onlookers wondered about his presence. He pulled a hand up and into his pocket, revealing a suit and a gun holster. Time was passing, and he made no move.

One of the officers let out a strangled cry and called for the light. He had found the girl, floating face up underneath a dock, knocked out. He pulled her to shore and the other officer caught her arm and hoisted her onto the dock. The ambulance was waiting for her, and as they administrated mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, everyone thought the excitement was over.

Marna and David scrambled up the hill to the ambulance, she crying and he trembling under her weight, and the whole town scattered to let them through. But still the man did not move.

"Look! Theres something else in the water!" cried someone from the hill, after the roaring siren had left the scene. "Look!"

By now, the only one standing on the dock was the man. He threw his coat onto the grass, and stepped closer to the shining light. A black cloth floated in the water, bits of frayed, moldy rope, and a body. In the disturbance of the water it had floated up to the surface.

The officers looked at the man in dismay.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Story Story

Well, Ive been working the last two days, and havent been able to write any posts. But I do have been able to write pen-and-paper; tell me what you think (Ill explain it after):

The dingy old sign hanging crooked on the chain-link fence read "Boat Owners Only" in faded black letters, but the stranger hunched over one of the posts didnt seem to care. He had kicked the gate open and pulled his great black case inside; the deserted aging dock greeting him with a groan when he lay his wieght upon it.

The grasses around the wooden dock were long and pale, the landscape bleak and overcast under a misty fog. The last of the late-winter's snow clung to the background, mixing with the dull grey-brown of the early-spring mud. One set of footprints made its way accross the grey wooden planks- his.

It was a small, church-going town he was in, and today was Sunday. The chances of being seen were slim.

He carried his weight awkwardly, as if he were carrying some great piece of furniture on his back. Leaning against the post, breathing rather hard, he drew out a length of rope from his pocket, tied it around the handle of the case he gripped tightly in his right hand, and strung the other end around his neck. With a quiet mumble, he leapt off the dock, crashing through the thin ice, the black case still held in his hand.


: So what do you think? :) Its the beginning of a potential story-line (which might evolve into a book) and Im not sure about it. Tell me what you think?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Looking Gorgeous

Have you ever had a day when you look in the mirror and wish you were going somewhere that mattered, you just looked that good? I dont mean exactly "Look at me Im a queen" pretty, or "Im just all that" beautiful... I mean "feel-good, all-the-way-through, happy-go-lucky" gorgeous! Im having one of those days today.

Its been two days since Ive written and I formally apologize. :) I have been recovering from the late flu and today is the first day I have completely felt better. I dont know what the rest of the world is doing, but the weather over here is beautiful, maybe not as warm as some of us would like, but the sun is out and the snow is melting- the garden outside is showing first signs of flowers and writing is in the air!

Today I go to my weekly counselling appointment, and I dont know exactly whats going to happen. I missed last week because I didnt have a ride (I dont own transportation, unfortunately) and so this week we're going to have to go through two weeks of stuff, includin losing my job, starting a blog, getting another job, and just plain old every day stuff that seems to get me right HERE sometimes.

But today seems to be different. I dont know what God has in store for me, so Ill not pretend like I do. Im ready for whatever you throw at me, God! :)

Thursday, March 4, 2010


GOD IS GOOD... All the time. :)

I have wonderful news to tell all of you, and so quickly too! Today God has not only provided a new job for me, but also a job that pays better... I can save up for college effectively without having to get a second job like I would have had to do if I was still working at my old job. God is so good. So so good.

I trusted in him and he has fulfilled his promise that he will always take care of me and provide for my needs.

Im so joyful! God is a great God indeed, and I will praise him all of my days. Last night I wept and told God that I would still love him... no matter what my circumstances. Lord, Lord, you DO love me!!

I am overwhelmed with his love and providence. Tears of joy throw themselves down my cheeks, my hands tremble with gratitude. My God prevails... his love endures forever.

Praise him with me. :)

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Life can throw you down all the time. It sure has done that alot with me these past few months. I dont know what to think sometimes... I question God and his overall power over this world. Sometimes I ask him why he had to make me go through all the pain and the hurt that Ive had to go through in order to become where and who I am today. The pain brings tears in my eyes, and even though I hate crying (especially infront of people) I realize that there needs to be tears in order to really know joy. No body can really appreciate the light until they've experienced the darkness, never appreciate warmth until they've been freezing... value a home and people who love you until you've been homeless and alone.

I know how it is to be homeless, alone, and faced with the picture of hopelessness. Hope is the HARDEST thing for me to wrap my head and heart around. I cant understand why or how God would want to love me, and why he would want to use my stupid mistakes for good. Its very hard for me to get excited for anything, because in the past, Ive never let myself succeed. I was afraid to go for something... it never seemed to work out for me.

Well I took a risk last fall and applied to the school Ive always wanted to go to, ever since I was in highschool. And last month I let myself get excited and just prayed to God, saying that whatever he wanted to do with my life, I was going to follow him. I was still going to love him... even if it didnt go my way. Then, on day in the middle of February I got an acceptance letter- Moody Bible Institute of Chicago, here I come! I was so excited. My job was going to transfer me to a location in Chicago, so I had a ready job... I was saving money, things were going well with my family... I lost track of who really gave me all of this.

Lord, now that Life isnt going good, Im still going to love you. Im still going to follow you. And when Life turns out well, Im going to follow and love you still. Im going to praise you when we win, and praise you when we lose, just like the quote from the movie "Facing the Giants". Lord, you have told me time and time again that you are preparing me for something great. Something big. Lord, and time and time again, I have forgotten that and gone my own way. Not anymore. I love you. I love you.

I know that sometimes it feels like You have forsaken me, but You havent. You're plan is so much greater than mine, and Im so excited to find out what you have in store for me. Help me stay on track, help me keep my eyes on you, and help me fight the pain and the hurt I have been dealing with for so so long.

These tears falling are no longer of sorrow, but of joy. I praise you, Lord. I praise you.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


Well, the destruction of my life has continued.

If you knew me, you would know that I absolutely love my job. I love working there, the people there I have considered not only my co-workers, but my family. My sisters, brothers and even uncles and aunts. I felt like, now that I didnt have a real family in my life, I adopted this "family" into my life... somewhere to belong, somewhere to be at and be loved and everyone working to get the same result... as a TEAM. Ive always wanted that... Ive always wanted to be appreciated... needed. I wanted to be apart of something I could belong to where I was needed to do something because it was my job. My place.

I was so committed to this job. I would come early, stay late. I would do anything and everything... I was a hard worker and could even be called a workaholic by some. I was crazy happy, always cheerful, and I loved loved LOVED the people there... regardless of who they were and regardless if they loved me back. I tried my hardest to fit in.

So you can imagine my heart brokenness when I was sat down by my boss today, and he had to tell me he had to let me go. I was just fired. I was just fired. I was just let go by my 'family' AGAIN! When will this stop?

When I left home a year ago, it was hard for me to get my mind around that my parents werent going to come and demand that I come home. I wanted them to tell me that they missed me, needed me, and love me. All I wanted was to belong there as a memeber of the family and feel like I was actually needed or valued by them. Two weeks after leaving they contacted me telling me that I had a couple of weeks to come and get my stuff, or they would throw it out. I was so heartbroken... that my parents didnt even want me to come home... I felt so betrayed.

And now, again, I have been told to pack up my things and leave. Leave what? I cant leave behind the memories that I have of this place. I cant leave behind my sorrow and heartbrokenness that Im leaving the only other family I know... the place I belonged to and learned how to be a functional team member in. I cant leave the love I have for these people I worked with and served. I cant let go of them, no matter how easy or hard it was for them to let go of me.

Lord, I know you have some reason for this... I know you have some reason for this. I dont know what it is and I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I cant live like this... Lord. I cant live like this. Help me understand that you should be the only thing, the only 'family' I should be clinging to.

Its so hard not to cry. Im weeping, Lord. Why do you keep breaking me? Find me now, in my cage. I want to be free. I cant live like this. Lord Lord why have you turned your back on me?

Monday, March 1, 2010

Writing Tears

The passion and fire in the music you're listening to is the passion and fire that lives inside me. Whenever I hear the light and darkness seeping out by the music within, I cant help but feel. FEEL. The Lord of the Rings is my favorite trilogy set, both the movies and the books. J.R.R. Tolkein's gift of expressing emotion in words, and Howard Shore's miracle of expressing it in music is really inspiring to me. When I need to feel something that I cant exactly let out in real life, I go to music to help me reveal it.

Inside my head, when Im writing, I hear and feel music and emotions pulse through me. It makes my writing come alive... become real. When tears flow down my cheeks, that is when it is the best time to write the sorrow and brokenness... when I am happy and laughing, and when the music is happy as well, I can successfully express my light and joy into my writing.

Maybe I feel like my writing has been lacking in emotion because I have been so confused with what exactly Im feeling at the moment. Maybe I cant express the vividry and character that I used to be because I am confusing emotion and passion with depression. Im letting it take ahold of me and not let me go. And that has to stop.

So what am I feeling right now? What am I thinking right now? Im listening to the music- The Riders of Rohan galloping out onto the plain into certain doom. Theres a dark edge to the scene, the tears dripping off of their loved ones faces- they dont knw if they'll ever see them again. Were they foolish at rushing into such death? Or were they valiant? This is what Im feeling right now. I feel like a Rider, looking back at my family... looking back, almost blinded by my tears. Asking myself if this was worth it... to leave them behind with no protection in order to fight against an enemy I have not yet seen. Am I strong enough to do this? Why am I leaving them? Yet I have been called to do so, it is my duty... and I will follow my King to whatever end. I have vowed to do this. I turn my head away from my past and to my calling. A certain joy and freedom follows me, but the meaning and passion lingers as well. I am a Rider of Rohan, though leaving my home to fight, I am fighting for the freedom from the darkness.

I look over these words, and I really dont know what to say about them. I can do so much better, Ive seen myself do so much better... but inside I feel like I really have nothing to say. God has given me the gift of writing, and if its his wish to make me learn this gift of finding my feelings and passion all over again, Im going to willingly do this. I have to.

Tears are falling off my chin right now. Im so frusterated with myself. Words used to just flow out of my pen... I used to be complimented for my writing. I could write books at the drop of a hat, and every passing stranger, and in every circumstance I found inspiration for another character.. another plot. Now... Now, Im dead. Im lonely, my characters are no longer alive.

I have no other choice but to write through this barrier. It is the same with who I am... I have to fight through this barrier. I have to learn that the walls I was putting up has caged me in, and my writing is on the wrong side of the wall. Im actually scared. I dont know if Ill ever get back to where I was before. I had so much going on... I would be writing til late at night... early in the morning I would wake up and scribble more. I loved it. I loved it.

Where, oh where have I gone to??? I was so caught up with being someone else that the real me has gotten away. Oh God, I hate this!