Well, here I am again; not much has changed in the few days I was gone. Ive realized a couple things about me that have really changed my perspective of myself, however. I am writing them down here, not only to share them with you, but also to wrap my head around them because they really havent really played through my mind real well yet.
The biggest question that Ive been trying to answer for awhile is Why? Why did I do what I did- disobey my parents, hate authority, act out of blatant defiance and rebellion... lie, cheat, steal, hate, and do all the things I look back on and dont want to remember.
When did it start, and why didnt it stop? Why couldnt I get it? When I was fifteen, sixteen, inside my heart and mind I was still eight. I dont know what really happened situationally speaking, but emotionally and in maturity, I wasnt growing. Ive realized, now, that I have an addictive personality, with compulsive, addictive tendencies. From the time I was told by my mom that as a baby I was never satisfied with just one bottle or one cracker... I always needed, wanted, more. That must've been my signature word, "More".
It hurts to come to the truth that you were an unsatiable child... that you grew up utterly refusing to be content or satisfied with my share... and always having this desire to take yours too. I would steal candy out of my sister's Halloween bucket, or her Easter basket. Not only would I eat all of my candy, but all of hers. All of it! There was no "stop", "self-control", or anything. That I would go to the lengths of dismissing her emotions and feelings, and just invade with no thought of her at all- taking everything, and leaving nothing. Was I never content? I dont remember a time when.
Now that I am older and have grown from the desire of my sisters Halloween treats, I realize that I have lived out my addictive personality in so many ways since then. I hurt from all the things I have been trying to pursue in order to find this one thing Ive wanted to have all of my life- enough. I want to just have enough. I dont want to run all the time to get more, more, more.
I hurt from causing pain to my family during that time. I dont know why I have an addictive personality, and Im so sorry for acting it out as a child, even though I know that as a child I didnt know what I was doing or what was causing it. I wish I had realized this so much sooner, maybe the light of the truth would have opened my eyes to the wounds and confusion I caused my parents when they were trying to raise me and didnt know what they were doing wrong.
Having an addictive tendency, I now realize that I have to set up for myself strong boundaries, so that I wont fall into the rut and chains of that insatiable desire again. Once I cut myself off from one addictive, compulsive behavior, I find myself trying to start another one up... even going as far as things I hate doing, like shopping. If I continue to go down this path in giving in to my natural, sinful nature, I will find myself eating, shopping, watching tv, hanging out with friends, doing things for no reason- and never being happy in the moment because Im always looking for the 'more'.
Lord, Lord! My Father, I dont know what has happened to me, but I know that you are the only one who can bring contentedness to my life. You are the only satisfaction that I have. No amount of boys, money, material things, beauty or fame can change that.
But Lord, Lord I cant do this alone. Each time I sever the chains of one, another closes around my wrists. Only you can free me from myself. I want to be happy in the moment, and be content about today. Lord, Please help me!