Monday, April 26, 2010

The Window of Your Heart

Even though things go downhill, Im still holding tight to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. My guy and I just decided that it was best if we dont see eachother anymore... and Im trying to deal with it the right way. Listening to Christian music, talking to some really good friends, making a pan of brownies, and about to read my Bible-- I want to reconnect with my Lover forever! :)

I wrote this to console me three or four years ago- but it still applies to me today, and applies to you too. :)

The Window of Your Heart

…to the Brides of Christ…

You sit there, against that Wailing Wall of your room, wondering if you are ever going to make it though this mess they call Life. Everywhere you turn someone puts you down, and the tears that stain your heart mark the pain and the burden of your rejection. Love… you are yearning for love.

But wait! Hope is coming like the Spring’s beauty after Winter’s frost. You have not been abandoned, you are not alone. There is a Lover who pursues you, and longs for you to notice Him. He is waiting.

He loves you so much that he knocks at the door of your heart, and stands in line patiently with the others. He longs for you to pick him; invite Him into your heart, and His heart shatters each time you choose someone or something else to be the love of your life.

He loves you so much He puts His strongest, fastest angels to take care of you, and watches your every move. Tears spring to His eyes when you don’t accept His angel’s help and protection, and instead accept the strength of some mortal protector, who, in the end, cannot shield you from the Enemy’s attacks.

He loves you so much He wants to give you the whole world and He does. He gives you the moon, and the stars, and lies in the grass with you, pointing out every little point of light, His heart soaring because you like it. He took so long to paint the sky so it would be beautiful for you, hoping, knowing, that it would touch your heart.

Flowers? He loves you so much He brings you flowers, millions of flowers, and shows you his sense of humor by bringing them even in the form of dandelions or ragweed. He beautifully packages His flowers in colors of green and yellow and red and purple, orange, pink, blue, white… all the colors of the rainbow. He knows you love them, and they are labeled “From your Secret Admirer.”

You’ve always longed for a Secret Admirer, someone who pursued you because you were beautiful, alluring, lovely… well, you do.

He is so much in love with you that he doesn’t care about your past. He gets down on His knees and begs you: “I love you, I have loved you for as long as I remember. Please tell me that you love me,” He pleads.

He is valiant. He fights the demons that hold you, the addictions, the obsessions, the sin that has you in chains, a phantom of fear cast around your heart. He hears your screams to be rescued, loves you so much to throw Himself at the dragon and fight for you. He could have left you to die, there are other girls who are easier to come by, who would love it if He even gave them a glance. But no… He gave them up for you. He loves you, and will go to all lengths, all risks, to get you, to prove to you His love.

He is close, and sensitive, embracing us when your heart weeps, when your life breaks apart into a million pieces. He carries you when you get scared in the storm, and comes looking for you, crying out your name, when the hurricane of your thinking separates you. He tears up about your pain when you open up to him, and with gentle hands He heals you.

He is thoughtful. In the morning He wakes you softly with the rays of the sun and the melodious songs of birds. He whispers you good morning and kisses you with the soft breeze coming in through the open window. Even on a gloomy day he has a special surprise only for your heart to know and understand. He tells you of His plans, of His purpose, about His struggles and how much He desires to be with you within the pages of His love letters to you, and is downcast and so dejected when you pass up reading His words to you for some other book or method of leisure. You allow someone or something else to romance and allure your heart, and it brings tears to His eyes and pain to His heart. He knows how weak that someone or something is, and how weak you are.

He cries out to you, longs for you to look at Him. But your gaze is fixed on someone else. The Enemy. The Enemy has captured the gaze of His beloved.

He loves you so much that He waits, even though you left Him. When you realize that the Enemy’s tune-less murmur in your ear is taking you away from He who cherishes you, you will cry out to Him. He will valiantly rescue you again. He loves you so much He will throw thousands of angels up against the Enemy, only to get you back. And he loves you so much, he will rescue you again, and again; and again, and again. Nothing you can do will make Him get angry with you enough to leave you. And He will never let the Enemy harm you. He will not leave you, He will not desert you. Although you might reject Him, He will wait patiently, pursuing your heart until you return to his arms, safe once more.

But He does not wait motionless; no. Every single moment you are away, in the Enemy’s lair, he is resless. He calls for you, runs to you, trying to make yu notice Him. He does not rest until you are rescued, safe. He pleads with you, begs you, trying to gently tell you that the way you are going leads to destruction, and heartache. His heart breaks when you let the Enemy plug your ears. He screams in anguish when you let the Enemy lead you, knowing it is towards Destruction.

“Take anything else!” He cries. “Take anything else! My home, my creation, my crown, even myself, if only you would spare my beloved! Take me instead, not her! Please!”

He loves you so much He ran into the land of Shadow to bring you out. The Enemy tied Him up with the chains destined for you. He was blamed for your addictions; He felt the pain of your abuse; He cried out when the burden of your sin was thrown upon him, wrung around His throat. He looked at you, His starry eyes tearing, as His Enemy pushed Him into the abyss, instead of you.

He loves you so much he took your past from you- your impurity, your abuse, your pain, your ugliness, your infliction, your depression, your loss, your disability, your weakness, your arrogance, your ignorance, your poverty, your nakedness, your embarrassment, your unloveableness, your scorn, your hurt, and ultimately, ultimately… your brokenness.

But… He is powerful. He is strong. So powerful, He defeated the Enemy. He defeated your sin! No longer does the Enemy’s lairs have power over you. Your addictions have been taken away from you… you are free!
Your anger has been vanquished… smile- you are free!
You are whole, perfect, pure- the scars of abuse have been taken away… you are free!
The traces of darkness, ugliness and depression have been washed away… He is victorious; rejoice! You are free!
The loss, the wounds of that which was ripped away from you by Death, by Poverty… by the forces of the Enemy, are restored… You are free!

And He runs, galliantly, towards you, arms open wide, ready to accept you into them. Tears streaming joyfully down His face, the light and beauty of His Kingdom filling the defeated darkness of the Enemy, He throws you up into the air, and catches you, embracing you. Finally you are together, free.

And when you are with Him, you are who you were made to be. He completes you.

Hand in hand He walks you down a glorious path in the woods. Butterflies, wild flowers, a shimmering brook rushing over smooth rocks and stones and cascading over them into a deliciously cool pond… Rabbits scamper as you swim and bask in the sunlight.

Then He pulls you up, out of the Valleys and into the Clouds. Up over the trees and into the mountains. The sunset sets the rocks afire. A warm, crackling campfire, roasting marshmallows and hot dogs and talking softly… You lean your head against His chest and even the chill of the starry night air cant get to you, because He is holding you.

With Him, you are whole. You are free He shows you many things, talks to you. And He wants you to talk to Him, about everything. He wants you to let Him know you.

When you feel alone, head in your hands, back against a wall, He comes walking up the aisle with His hands shoved in His pockets. He gives you a small smile and squats next to you, eyes searching, asking you to tell Him what is wrong.

When you are happy, rejoicing over an accomplishment, He throws you a party. He breaks out a grin and invites all of your friends. “Look how fantastic she is… I don’t know what I’d do without her!” He exclaims.

When you are stressed, and cant seem to get anything right, His arms embrace your world and your heart, and just holds you. In His hands, you will be safe, and your heart will be healed. Your pain will soon go away, and in His hands you will be healed.

When the end seems to come too soon…
When you feel as if life is not worth living…
When you cant cope…
When you feel sick, or alone, or ugly…
When you cant do anything right…

He’s waiting. He’s longing for your voice. Restless He waits. In His hands He can heal. In His hands he can free.

When life is going right…
When you are encouraged…
When you are victorious…
When you look in the mirror and you are beautiful, and radiant…

He wants to know. He is waiting to rejoice with you. He’s the first one to pop open a bottle of champagne. He’s the first one with the party hat on. He dances with you.

You see, He wants you. Just like you want Him. He could do it without you, of course, but He loves you so much, there’s a special ache in His heart for you, that only you can fill.

He would look awkward dancing by Himself. You make the dance glorious, beautiful, graceful, and purposeful. He loves you, and you love Him. You are one.

He would look strong paddling a canoe in the rapids alone. But with you… it looks like an adventure. A team. A fight between fear and valor. You help Him. He could do it alone, but together… ah, He would only do it with you.

He shows you the sights, the smells, the sounds… together… you are one.

He loves you so much. He longs for you to love Him back. He throws pebbles at the window of your heart.

Wake up and let Him in…


Friday, April 23, 2010

The Truth

Wow, I havent been on my blog in a long time. Its not like Ive been too busy- Truth: Ive been busy, but Ive had time- Its not like Ive been tired, sick, or depressed- Truth: I JUST DIDNT WANT TO.

But Now is the time that I need to sit down and put some thoughts into words... and stop avoiding something I know I need to do... BE HONEST.

Honestly, I have been struggling alot more than Ive ever let on to anyone. Even though I want to believe that I have just menial problems and trials "compared" to "some people" I cant use that as an excuse any more. My responsibility is this life, this gift that God's given me--- and Im not doing a very good job at being honest with myself or with anyone around me.

Not all of it is bad- most of it is good, actually. But regardless of the content, the truth remains untold. SO here I am. Again.

Last week's next week is here and I am already sitting on Friday Night- family night in the Gneco household of one. Im just listening to music, being happy/sad/just overall convicted. God has really been pulling some hard loads on me this week... and I have been really struggling under some really hefty sin. Ive realized that if Im going to go to Chicago this summer and delve into ministry in August, Im going to have to do some serious work right here, right now. This Ive known for a long while, but action finally started now. Faith without works is dead, right? Well here I am.

Last week my Biblestudy we were studying the topic of Forgiveness, and I was really convicted about something Ive been angry about for a long long time. The person I was angry at, I didnt even know if they did anything, I was just assuming, and although the magnitude of the wrong was very hurtful, I could no longer justify my anger and hate. I had been so angry at this person I couldnt even pray for them. Finally, I broke down in front of my God and asked Him to help me love them. Last week I could finally call out to God and ask Him to bless the person. And this second, while I am typing this right now, I have texted the person, to apologize for the years and years of hatred and anger Ive had against them.

This week was more- different, heavier, harder, but more- Thursdays I go to a worship service called Celebrate Recovery at a church near my home. My mom goes with me and we sing along with the others, and then I go by myself to an open-share group. This week I was convicted to move from the safe comfortability of one group that just skimmed the top of my problems and hardships, to the group I was actually supposed to be in. I went to the Compulsive Behaviors and Addictions group- a group of laidies Ive been avoiding on purpose for three months now. Hearing the hurts of the other laidies, I sat emotionless, just quaking in my boots. I prayed to the Lord for words to say- the ones that I needed to say would come to my mouth when it was my time to speak. When it came to my turn, I opened my mouth and told them- the truth. I was dealing with a compulsive, addictive personality, and that the addictions Ive been struggling with have been winning these last few years, months, even days. That I want to believe that I can do this on my own, but I know in my heart that I cannot... and That I have been truely avoiding the group for three months.

After all was said, and everyone shared, I slipped out and hurried down the hallway, so that my mom, who was doing her work and some Biblestudy around the corner, wouldnt see that I went to a different group. I didnt want to talk to her about why I moved, or what I said. I didnt want her to know that I was accepting the fact that I need help in an area that seems to be more serious in my eyes. I dont know what she thinks, but I was scared of making her feel like she was a failure as a mom- bringing up a daughter who has problems bigger than she first let on. I dont know... I just want to do this on my own- but as I said before, that I know I cant. I want my Mommie and my Daddy, who live in a separate house, family and life (it seems, mostly) than me to believe that their eldest daughter is ok, making good decisions, holding tight onto God, going to school, working, well-to-do, and bearing a good reputation. But I dont know if I can succeed in all of those things. I want to believe that they love me regardless, yet still try to strive to procure perfection in order to please them... I lie to myself that this is all they will accept- Perfection. But in fact, this is all I will accept, not them- I.

LORD LORD I need your love. I need to live for you, not for anyone else.

Ive been going out with a young man who is very good to me. Its a different feeling for me, to be treated like this... like a flower- held delicately between fingers, eyes looking just trying to GET-- I want to hold onto these moments but my life has been so full of regrets before this, that its hard for me to believe that this is really true. Im constantly holding myself back, disconnecting myself from any any ANY hurt whatsoever. Im so broken... and Im healing, but Im slowly slowly coming out.

This guy is so different than any guy I know. Im not going to talk him up or down like some girls I know- The-angels-from-the-heavens, or The-devils-from-hell boys that these girls talk about so frequently. He's just different. :)

Sometimes Im still fighting for the surface of the water Ive been drowning in. My best friend is the best thing God has given my life. The legs I can see treading the water above me, telling me the surface is really really close, and this whole staying above the surface thing, is my best friend. That feeling-- do you know what Im talking about? That feeling, that rush- its near, its close... just a little bit more... thats her.

Lord, Lord- forgiveness, love, laughter, humility, blessing where it is willed, and strength where it is not... these are the things I ask for. Wisdom for the times where I am ignorant, Ignorance in the places I am not supposed to comprehend, Purity-- OH LORD I want to be whole. I just want to be whole. Can you fill me up? Lord LORD I want to be whole. Im terribly broken and they're telling me I cant be fixed. Are they telling me the truth? Lord, fix me! Let it not be so--- fix me!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Happy (???)

Today has been the start of a beautiful empty day with nothing planned but the prospects of the world. :) I cant wait to have a car to myself so I can go someplace and not get stuck here by myself listening to music from the other room and renting movies online all day to pass the time.

:) So I decided to write in here, and just catch everyone up on where I am at the moment.

Well, since I began this blog, I have gone out with a guy that I really like, and although we arent officially "in a relationship" yet, we're definitely getting there. I havent had a date in over a half year, and a boyfriend for atleast one year... so Im nervous about doing these things right. My parents know him and so do my host parents- so its going smoothly. :) I really like him.

Its a wonder how much we change in such a short amount of time. At one time in my life, I truely believed that I couldnt live life without having someone in my life- like a boyfriend or whatever. In reality, I have to learn how to not live with someone in order to truely know how to really have someone in my life. We have two separate lives that just happen to merge for a time. I dont know how long that time will be- but Im willing to find out. :)

I hope to be hanging out with my best friend today, its so beautiful outside and I cant wait to get out of here. I hope she decides to call me out of my prison soon! ;0

Anyway- in short, life is good. I have loving parents, friends, and now, a "guy" (remember- not anything 'official' yet! :) )... I work as a nanny for wonderful friends of mine, and I cant get away from my Saviors love. Im so happy- as happy as I can try to be. :)