Wow, I havent been on my blog in a long time. Its not like Ive been too busy- Truth: Ive been busy, but Ive had time- Its not like Ive been tired, sick, or depressed- Truth: I JUST DIDNT WANT TO.
But Now is the time that I need to sit down and put some thoughts into words... and stop avoiding something I know I need to do... BE HONEST.
Honestly, I have been struggling alot more than Ive ever let on to anyone. Even though I want to believe that I have just menial problems and trials "compared" to "some people" I cant use that as an excuse any more. My responsibility is this life, this gift that God's given me--- and Im not doing a very good job at being honest with myself or with anyone around me.
Not all of it is bad- most of it is good, actually. But regardless of the content, the truth remains untold. SO here I am. Again.
Last week's next week is here and I am already sitting on Friday Night- family night in the Gneco household of one. Im just listening to music, being happy/sad/just overall convicted. God has really been pulling some hard loads on me this week... and I have been really struggling under some really hefty sin. Ive realized that if Im going to go to Chicago this summer and delve into ministry in August, Im going to have to do some serious work right here, right now. This Ive known for a long while, but action finally started now. Faith without works is dead, right? Well here I am.
Last week my Biblestudy we were studying the topic of Forgiveness, and I was really convicted about something Ive been angry about for a long long time. The person I was angry at, I didnt even know if they did anything, I was just assuming, and although the magnitude of the wrong was very hurtful, I could no longer justify my anger and hate. I had been so angry at this person I couldnt even pray for them. Finally, I broke down in front of my God and asked Him to help me love them. Last week I could finally call out to God and ask Him to bless the person. And this second, while I am typing this right now, I have texted the person, to apologize for the years and years of hatred and anger Ive had against them.
This week was more- different, heavier, harder, but more- Thursdays I go to a worship service called Celebrate Recovery at a church near my home. My mom goes with me and we sing along with the others, and then I go by myself to an open-share group. This week I was convicted to move from the safe comfortability of one group that just skimmed the top of my problems and hardships, to the group I was actually supposed to be in. I went to the Compulsive Behaviors and Addictions group- a group of laidies Ive been avoiding on purpose for three months now. Hearing the hurts of the other laidies, I sat emotionless, just quaking in my boots. I prayed to the Lord for words to say- the ones that I needed to say would come to my mouth when it was my time to speak. When it came to my turn, I opened my mouth and told them- the truth. I was dealing with a compulsive, addictive personality, and that the addictions Ive been struggling with have been winning these last few years, months, even days. That I want to believe that I can do this on my own, but I know in my heart that I cannot... and That I have been truely avoiding the group for three months.
After all was said, and everyone shared, I slipped out and hurried down the hallway, so that my mom, who was doing her work and some Biblestudy around the corner, wouldnt see that I went to a different group. I didnt want to talk to her about why I moved, or what I said. I didnt want her to know that I was accepting the fact that I need help in an area that seems to be more serious in my eyes. I dont know what she thinks, but I was scared of making her feel like she was a failure as a mom- bringing up a daughter who has problems bigger than she first let on. I dont know... I just want to do this on my own- but as I said before, that I know I cant. I want my Mommie and my Daddy, who live in a separate house, family and life (it seems, mostly) than me to believe that their eldest daughter is ok, making good decisions, holding tight onto God, going to school, working, well-to-do, and bearing a good reputation. But I dont know if I can succeed in all of those things. I want to believe that they love me regardless, yet still try to strive to procure perfection in order to please them... I lie to myself that this is all they will accept- Perfection. But in fact, this is all I will accept, not them- I.
LORD LORD I need your love. I need to live for you, not for anyone else.
Ive been going out with a young man who is very good to me. Its a different feeling for me, to be treated like this... like a flower- held delicately between fingers, eyes looking just trying to GET-- I want to hold onto these moments but my life has been so full of regrets before this, that its hard for me to believe that this is really true. Im constantly holding myself back, disconnecting myself from any any ANY hurt whatsoever. Im so broken... and Im healing, but Im slowly slowly coming out.
This guy is so different than any guy I know. Im not going to talk him up or down like some girls I know- The-angels-from-the-heavens, or The-devils-from-hell boys that these girls talk about so frequently. He's just different. :)
Sometimes Im still fighting for the surface of the water Ive been drowning in. My best friend is the best thing God has given my life. The legs I can see treading the water above me, telling me the surface is really really close, and this whole staying above the surface thing, is my best friend. That feeling-- do you know what Im talking about? That feeling, that rush- its near, its close... just a little bit more... thats her.
Lord, Lord- forgiveness, love, laughter, humility, blessing where it is willed, and strength where it is not... these are the things I ask for. Wisdom for the times where I am ignorant, Ignorance in the places I am not supposed to comprehend, Purity-- OH LORD I want to be whole. I just want to be whole. Can you fill me up? Lord LORD I want to be whole. Im terribly broken and they're telling me I cant be fixed. Are they telling me the truth? Lord, fix me! Let it not be so--- fix me!