Well, the destruction of my life has continued.
If you knew me, you would know that I absolutely love my job. I love working there, the people there I have considered not only my co-workers, but my family. My sisters, brothers and even uncles and aunts. I felt like, now that I didnt have a real family in my life, I adopted this "family" into my life... somewhere to belong, somewhere to be at and be loved and everyone working to get the same result... as a TEAM. Ive always wanted that... Ive always wanted to be appreciated... needed. I wanted to be apart of something I could belong to where I was needed to do something because it was my job. My place.
I was so committed to this job. I would come early, stay late. I would do anything and everything... I was a hard worker and could even be called a workaholic by some. I was crazy happy, always cheerful, and I loved loved LOVED the people there... regardless of who they were and regardless if they loved me back. I tried my hardest to fit in.
So you can imagine my heart brokenness when I was sat down by my boss today, and he had to tell me he had to let me go. I was just fired. I was just fired. I was just let go by my 'family' AGAIN! When will this stop?
When I left home a year ago, it was hard for me to get my mind around that my parents werent going to come and demand that I come home. I wanted them to tell me that they missed me, needed me, and love me. All I wanted was to belong there as a memeber of the family and feel like I was actually needed or valued by them. Two weeks after leaving they contacted me telling me that I had a couple of weeks to come and get my stuff, or they would throw it out. I was so heartbroken... that my parents didnt even want me to come home... I felt so betrayed.
And now, again, I have been told to pack up my things and leave. Leave what? I cant leave behind the memories that I have of this place. I cant leave behind my sorrow and heartbrokenness that Im leaving the only other family I know... the place I belonged to and learned how to be a functional team member in. I cant leave the love I have for these people I worked with and served. I cant let go of them, no matter how easy or hard it was for them to let go of me.
Lord, I know you have some reason for this... I know you have some reason for this. I dont know what it is and I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I cant live like this... Lord. I cant live like this. Help me understand that you should be the only thing, the only 'family' I should be clinging to.
Its so hard not to cry. Im weeping, Lord. Why do you keep breaking me? Find me now, in my cage. I want to be free. I cant live like this. Lord Lord why have you turned your back on me?