Life can throw you down all the time. It sure has done that alot with me these past few months. I dont know what to think sometimes... I question God and his overall power over this world. Sometimes I ask him why he had to make me go through all the pain and the hurt that Ive had to go through in order to become where and who I am today. The pain brings tears in my eyes, and even though I hate crying (especially infront of people) I realize that there needs to be tears in order to really know joy. No body can really appreciate the light until they've experienced the darkness, never appreciate warmth until they've been freezing... value a home and people who love you until you've been homeless and alone.
I know how it is to be homeless, alone, and faced with the picture of hopelessness. Hope is the HARDEST thing for me to wrap my head and heart around. I cant understand why or how God would want to love me, and why he would want to use my stupid mistakes for good. Its very hard for me to get excited for anything, because in the past, Ive never let myself succeed. I was afraid to go for something... it never seemed to work out for me.
Well I took a risk last fall and applied to the school Ive always wanted to go to, ever since I was in highschool. And last month I let myself get excited and just prayed to God, saying that whatever he wanted to do with my life, I was going to follow him. I was still going to love him... even if it didnt go my way. Then, on day in the middle of February I got an acceptance letter- Moody Bible Institute of Chicago, here I come! I was so excited. My job was going to transfer me to a location in Chicago, so I had a ready job... I was saving money, things were going well with my family... I lost track of who really gave me all of this.
Lord, now that Life isnt going good, Im still going to love you. Im still going to follow you. And when Life turns out well, Im going to follow and love you still. Im going to praise you when we win, and praise you when we lose, just like the quote from the movie "Facing the Giants". Lord, you have told me time and time again that you are preparing me for something great. Something big. Lord, and time and time again, I have forgotten that and gone my own way. Not anymore. I love you. I love you.
I know that sometimes it feels like You have forsaken me, but You havent. You're plan is so much greater than mine, and Im so excited to find out what you have in store for me. Help me stay on track, help me keep my eyes on you, and help me fight the pain and the hurt I have been dealing with for so so long.
These tears falling are no longer of sorrow, but of joy. I praise you, Lord. I praise you.