I was/am home alone, and I was letting myself get bored, and I was deciding whether to let some things control my decisions- saying stupid bull like "Ill start stopping next week!" lol stupid me.
God took my stimulating friends (the Bible calls them "Bad Company") from me, and He took my phone service from me too... caused my eyes get hot and hurt so that the computer and tv were harsh and cruel, and made my Bible be conveniently sitting on my bed the exact time I yelled "Why am I avoiding You, Lord?!" in my head.
I opened up my Bible, and continued reading Ezra (Third Day and Building 429 music in the background)... and it was the end of the book, and I SWEAR I was thinking 'I cant wait to move on and check this off that I DID this' when I realized what I was truely reading. It was about the intermarraige the Israelites had done with foreigners and pagans, and he (Ezra) tore his robes and wept.
"O My God, I am too ashamed and disgraced
to lift up my face to you, my God,
because our sins are higher than our heads
and our guilt has reached to the heavens."
YES! LORD! (me)
Then he (Ezra) goes on to tell the Israelites to confess and to send their foreign wives and children away. (!!!)
I realized what I was saying in my head even before I finished saying it- "Sounds a little extreme... send away their wives and children??? blablablabla" Then it clicked. They were to divorce and send away their foreign wives and children.
LORD I have married and had children with things that should never have that role in my life. I cannot think for two, four, seven (however many "weddings" Ive been through)! Lord, help me divorce my husbands! Not only the physical beings you've already convicted and caused me to strip from my life, but these things, feelings, objects, and actions too! I want to be a free woman! I want to be single!
Teach me how to divorce each one out of my life! Teach me!
Teach me how to handle the loss of my "husband" and "children".
Teach me to cling to you for comfort rather to my other "husbands".
Tech me how to send them away completely and know when another one comes-a-courting!
I WANT TO BE WHOLE