The "More"

The town of Bellington was awake sometime between ten and eleven at night with the sounds of commotion coming from the old dock. Police cars flashed the red, white, and blue onto the surrounding homes and boathouses, and screaming people filtered between them. A mother held tight to her husband, as the man who had dove in after her young daughter gasped for breath.

"Did you find her? Did you see her?"

"I didnt see anything, Marna. I cant find her anywhere. I’ve searched the bottom of the lake in this area all over the place. Im... Im sorry."

"No! I saw her fall in right there... Right THERE. What do you mean you cant find her?!" The woman screamed, her tears drowning her face. Her hands where white, clutching at her husbands jacket. He held his arms slack to his side, the look of anger and of frustration passing over his face. "No," He murmered. "Ill go in- Ill find her!" He threw his wife’s arms aside and pulled off his jacket, ripping the seam in his eagerness.

The officer put up a hand to stop him. "You’ll only disturb the water, making it harder for us to see. Just let us take care of this Mr... Mr..."

"Jamison, David Jamison."

"Mr. Jamison, the best thing you can do to help right now, is calm down your wife. Go sit down over there and let us do our job."

Two white orbs of light flooded the scene, then cut. A dark figure stepped out of the car, his long coat and fedora hat hiding any profile the other lights would have given. The police officers parted to let him through. Two, who were already in the water, and one holding the bright spotlight on the water, did not stop to acknowledge him. He just stood there, his eyes glinting under the brim of his hat. Although Marna and her husband did not look up to take notice of this man, the other onlookers wondered about his presence. He pulled a hand up and into his pocket, revealing a suit and a gun holster. Time was passing, and he made no move.

One of the officers let out a strangled cry and called for the light. He had found the girl, floating face up underneath a dock, knocked out. He pulled her to shore and the other officer caught her arm and hoisted her onto the dock. The ambulance was waiting for her, and as they administrated mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, everyone thought the excitement was over.

Marna and David scrambled up the hill to the ambulance, she crying and he trembling under her weight, and the whole town scattered to let them through. But still the man did not move.

"Look! Theres something else in the water!" cried someone from the hill, after the roaring siren had left the scene. "Look!"

By now, the only one standing on the dock was the man. He threw his coat onto the grass, and stepped closer to the shining light. A black cloth floated in the water, bits of frayed, moldy rope, and a body. In the disturbance of the water it had floated up to the surface.

The officers looked at the man in dismay.

Story Story

Well, Ive been working the last two days, and havent been able to write any posts. But I do have been able to write pen-and-paper; tell me what you think (Ill explain it after):

The dingy old sign hanging crooked on the chain-link fence read "Boat Owners Only" in faded black letters, but the stranger hunched over one of the posts didnt seem to care. He had kicked the gate open and pulled his great black case inside; the deserted aging dock greeting him with a groan when he lay his wieght upon it.

The grasses around the wooden dock were long and pale, the landscape bleak and overcast under a misty fog. The last of the late-winter's snow clung to the background, mixing with the dull grey-brown of the early-spring mud. One set of footprints made its way accross the grey wooden planks- his.

It was a small, church-going town he was in, and today was Sunday. The chances of being seen were slim.

He carried his weight awkwardly, as if he were carrying some great piece of furniture on his back. Leaning against the post, breathing rather hard, he drew out a length of rope from his pocket, tied it around the handle of the case he gripped tightly in his right hand, and strung the other end around his neck. With a quiet mumble, he leapt off the dock, crashing through the thin ice, the black case still held in his hand.

****

: So what do you think? :) Its the beginning of a potential story-line (which might evolve into a book) and Im not sure about it. Tell me what you think?

Looking Gorgeous

Have you ever had a day when you look in the mirror and wish you were going somewhere that mattered, you just looked that good? I dont mean exactly "Look at me Im a queen" pretty, or "Im just all that" beautiful... I mean "feel-good, all-the-way-through, happy-go-lucky" gorgeous! Im having one of those days today.

Its been two days since Ive written and I formally apologize. :) I have been recovering from the late flu and today is the first day I have completely felt better. I dont know what the rest of the world is doing, but the weather over here is beautiful, maybe not as warm as some of us would like, but the sun is out and the snow is melting- the garden outside is showing first signs of flowers and writing is in the air!

Today I go to my weekly counselling appointment, and I dont know exactly whats going to happen. I missed last week because I didnt have a ride (I dont own transportation, unfortunately) and so this week we're going to have to go through two weeks of stuff, includin losing my job, starting a blog, getting another job, and just plain old every day stuff that seems to get me right HERE sometimes.

But today seems to be different. I dont know what God has in store for me, so Ill not pretend like I do. Im ready for whatever you throw at me, God! :)

Miracle

GOD IS GOOD... All the time. :)

I have wonderful news to tell all of you, and so quickly too! Today God has not only provided a new job for me, but also a job that pays better... I can save up for college effectively without having to get a second job like I would have had to do if I was still working at my old job. God is so good. So so good.

I trusted in him and he has fulfilled his promise that he will always take care of me and provide for my needs.

Im so joyful! God is a great God indeed, and I will praise him all of my days. Last night I wept and told God that I would still love him... no matter what my circumstances. Lord, Lord, you DO love me!!

I am overwhelmed with his love and providence. Tears of joy throw themselves down my cheeks, my hands tremble with gratitude. My God prevails... his love endures forever.

Praise him with me. :)

Hope

Life can throw you down all the time. It sure has done that alot with me these past few months. I dont know what to think sometimes... I question God and his overall power over this world. Sometimes I ask him why he had to make me go through all the pain and the hurt that Ive had to go through in order to become where and who I am today. The pain brings tears in my eyes, and even though I hate crying (especially infront of people) I realize that there needs to be tears in order to really know joy. No body can really appreciate the light until they've experienced the darkness, never appreciate warmth until they've been freezing... value a home and people who love you until you've been homeless and alone.

I know how it is to be homeless, alone, and faced with the picture of hopelessness. Hope is the HARDEST thing for me to wrap my head and heart around. I cant understand why or how God would want to love me, and why he would want to use my stupid mistakes for good. Its very hard for me to get excited for anything, because in the past, Ive never let myself succeed. I was afraid to go for something... it never seemed to work out for me.

Well I took a risk last fall and applied to the school Ive always wanted to go to, ever since I was in highschool. And last month I let myself get excited and just prayed to God, saying that whatever he wanted to do with my life, I was going to follow him. I was still going to love him... even if it didnt go my way. Then, on day in the middle of February I got an acceptance letter- Moody Bible Institute of Chicago, here I come! I was so excited. My job was going to transfer me to a location in Chicago, so I had a ready job... I was saving money, things were going well with my family... I lost track of who really gave me all of this.

Lord, now that Life isnt going good, Im still going to love you. Im still going to follow you. And when Life turns out well, Im going to follow and love you still. Im going to praise you when we win, and praise you when we lose, just like the quote from the movie "Facing the Giants". Lord, you have told me time and time again that you are preparing me for something great. Something big. Lord, and time and time again, I have forgotten that and gone my own way. Not anymore. I love you. I love you.

I know that sometimes it feels like You have forsaken me, but You havent. You're plan is so much greater than mine, and Im so excited to find out what you have in store for me. Help me stay on track, help me keep my eyes on you, and help me fight the pain and the hurt I have been dealing with for so so long.

These tears falling are no longer of sorrow, but of joy. I praise you, Lord. I praise you.

Weeping

Well, the destruction of my life has continued.

If you knew me, you would know that I absolutely love my job. I love working there, the people there I have considered not only my co-workers, but my family. My sisters, brothers and even uncles and aunts. I felt like, now that I didnt have a real family in my life, I adopted this "family" into my life... somewhere to belong, somewhere to be at and be loved and everyone working to get the same result... as a TEAM. Ive always wanted that... Ive always wanted to be appreciated... needed. I wanted to be apart of something I could belong to where I was needed to do something because it was my job. My place.

I was so committed to this job. I would come early, stay late. I would do anything and everything... I was a hard worker and could even be called a workaholic by some. I was crazy happy, always cheerful, and I loved loved LOVED the people there... regardless of who they were and regardless if they loved me back. I tried my hardest to fit in.

So you can imagine my heart brokenness when I was sat down by my boss today, and he had to tell me he had to let me go. I was just fired. I was just fired. I was just let go by my 'family' AGAIN! When will this stop?

When I left home a year ago, it was hard for me to get my mind around that my parents werent going to come and demand that I come home. I wanted them to tell me that they missed me, needed me, and love me. All I wanted was to belong there as a memeber of the family and feel like I was actually needed or valued by them. Two weeks after leaving they contacted me telling me that I had a couple of weeks to come and get my stuff, or they would throw it out. I was so heartbroken... that my parents didnt even want me to come home... I felt so betrayed.

And now, again, I have been told to pack up my things and leave. Leave what? I cant leave behind the memories that I have of this place. I cant leave behind my sorrow and heartbrokenness that Im leaving the only other family I know... the place I belonged to and learned how to be a functional team member in. I cant leave the love I have for these people I worked with and served. I cant let go of them, no matter how easy or hard it was for them to let go of me.

Lord, I know you have some reason for this... I know you have some reason for this. I dont know what it is and I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I cant live like this... Lord. I cant live like this. Help me understand that you should be the only thing, the only 'family' I should be clinging to.

Its so hard not to cry. Im weeping, Lord. Why do you keep breaking me? Find me now, in my cage. I want to be free. I cant live like this. Lord Lord why have you turned your back on me?

Writing Tears

The passion and fire in the music you're listening to is the passion and fire that lives inside me. Whenever I hear the light and darkness seeping out by the music within, I cant help but feel. FEEL. The Lord of the Rings is my favorite trilogy set, both the movies and the books. J.R.R. Tolkein's gift of expressing emotion in words, and Howard Shore's miracle of expressing it in music is really inspiring to me. When I need to feel something that I cant exactly let out in real life, I go to music to help me reveal it.

Inside my head, when Im writing, I hear and feel music and emotions pulse through me. It makes my writing come alive... become real. When tears flow down my cheeks, that is when it is the best time to write the sorrow and brokenness... when I am happy and laughing, and when the music is happy as well, I can successfully express my light and joy into my writing.

Maybe I feel like my writing has been lacking in emotion because I have been so confused with what exactly Im feeling at the moment. Maybe I cant express the vividry and character that I used to be because I am confusing emotion and passion with depression. Im letting it take ahold of me and not let me go. And that has to stop.

So what am I feeling right now? What am I thinking right now? Im listening to the music- The Riders of Rohan galloping out onto the plain into certain doom. Theres a dark edge to the scene, the tears dripping off of their loved ones faces- they dont knw if they'll ever see them again. Were they foolish at rushing into such death? Or were they valiant? This is what Im feeling right now. I feel like a Rider, looking back at my family... looking back, almost blinded by my tears. Asking myself if this was worth it... to leave them behind with no protection in order to fight against an enemy I have not yet seen. Am I strong enough to do this? Why am I leaving them? Yet I have been called to do so, it is my duty... and I will follow my King to whatever end. I have vowed to do this. I turn my head away from my past and to my calling. A certain joy and freedom follows me, but the meaning and passion lingers as well. I am a Rider of Rohan, though leaving my home to fight, I am fighting for the freedom from the darkness.

I look over these words, and I really dont know what to say about them. I can do so much better, Ive seen myself do so much better... but inside I feel like I really have nothing to say. God has given me the gift of writing, and if its his wish to make me learn this gift of finding my feelings and passion all over again, Im going to willingly do this. I have to.

Tears are falling off my chin right now. Im so frusterated with myself. Words used to just flow out of my pen... I used to be complimented for my writing. I could write books at the drop of a hat, and every passing stranger, and in every circumstance I found inspiration for another character.. another plot. Now... Now, Im dead. Im lonely, my characters are no longer alive.

I have no other choice but to write through this barrier. It is the same with who I am... I have to fight through this barrier. I have to learn that the walls I was putting up has caged me in, and my writing is on the wrong side of the wall. Im actually scared. I dont know if Ill ever get back to where I was before. I had so much going on... I would be writing til late at night... early in the morning I would wake up and scribble more. I loved it. I loved it.

Where, oh where have I gone to??? I was so caught up with being someone else that the real me has gotten away. Oh God, I hate this!