I dont know if Ive had any new revelations today, or even if I want any... I just feel different. I feel empty. Like I should be doing more, saying more, loving more, ANYTHING more--- but that I have no resources to do it, no energy to do it, no ability to do it... no strength to do it. That cyclical depression just comes in waves... and I fight it, but I dont know what to do to stop it. All I do is survive through it... and I hate it, but its all I have to do.
I dont know- that verge-of-tears feeling is back. And I hate crying. I hate crying... why? Im not really sure. Maybe its because no one really notices, and if they do, they ignore it. If I see someone crying (and when) I stop and ask. I stay and sit. I give them a hug... maybe just sit there and just wait with them. Wait for some revelation.... wait for some peace... or just the end of the tears. But I dont remember a time when the people around me did that. But then again, I dont remember a time when I cried in front of anyone. At this point, I think it's impossible for me now. I dont think I know how to.
Tears- they mean so much to me. Tears mean feeling- they mean real emotion. And Im not talking about fake tears... like crocidile tears. I mean real tears. It means someone cares so much about something or someone that it causes them to become so overwhelmed with emotion that it comes out on the surface. They are so angry, or so hurt, or so sad. So much it matters. And if I cant cry, does that mean it doesnt matter? Logically, its supposed to work that way. Rationally speaking, of course. But I dont know if I want that to be true.
Lord! Lord! Im weeping on the inside. I want to be full up with you. Fill me. I want to beable to be so real that I can be overwhelmed with emotions. Real emotions. Pain, and sorrow, and anger, and hurt... and happiness and joy and things that are good as well. Lord, fill me up! Continue making me weak... so that I will break. I dont want to ever think Im strong enough to do this... because I know I cant, Im not, and that I will never be. I dont want to stop trusting you. Break my heart- my stone cold heart, so that I can be made new again. Lord! Lord... I love you.