The passion and fire in the music you're listening to is the passion and fire that lives inside me. Whenever I hear the light and darkness seeping out by the music within, I cant help but feel. FEEL. The Lord of the Rings is my favorite trilogy set, both the movies and the books. J.R.R. Tolkein's gift of expressing emotion in words, and Howard Shore's miracle of expressing it in music is really inspiring to me. When I need to feel something that I cant exactly let out in real life, I go to music to help me reveal it.
Inside my head, when Im writing, I hear and feel music and emotions pulse through me. It makes my writing come alive... become real. When tears flow down my cheeks, that is when it is the best time to write the sorrow and brokenness... when I am happy and laughing, and when the music is happy as well, I can successfully express my light and joy into my writing.
Maybe I feel like my writing has been lacking in emotion because I have been so confused with what exactly Im feeling at the moment. Maybe I cant express the vividry and character that I used to be because I am confusing emotion and passion with depression. Im letting it take ahold of me and not let me go. And that has to stop.
So what am I feeling right now? What am I thinking right now? Im listening to the music- The Riders of Rohan galloping out onto the plain into certain doom. Theres a dark edge to the scene, the tears dripping off of their loved ones faces- they dont knw if they'll ever see them again. Were they foolish at rushing into such death? Or were they valiant? This is what Im feeling right now. I feel like a Rider, looking back at my family... looking back, almost blinded by my tears. Asking myself if this was worth it... to leave them behind with no protection in order to fight against an enemy I have not yet seen. Am I strong enough to do this? Why am I leaving them? Yet I have been called to do so, it is my duty... and I will follow my King to whatever end. I have vowed to do this. I turn my head away from my past and to my calling. A certain joy and freedom follows me, but the meaning and passion lingers as well. I am a Rider of Rohan, though leaving my home to fight, I am fighting for the freedom from the darkness.
I look over these words, and I really dont know what to say about them. I can do so much better, Ive seen myself do so much better... but inside I feel like I really have nothing to say. God has given me the gift of writing, and if its his wish to make me learn this gift of finding my feelings and passion all over again, Im going to willingly do this. I have to.
Tears are falling off my chin right now. Im so frusterated with myself. Words used to just flow out of my pen... I used to be complimented for my writing. I could write books at the drop of a hat, and every passing stranger, and in every circumstance I found inspiration for another character.. another plot. Now... Now, Im dead. Im lonely, my characters are no longer alive.
I have no other choice but to write through this barrier. It is the same with who I am... I have to fight through this barrier. I have to learn that the walls I was putting up has caged me in, and my writing is on the wrong side of the wall. Im actually scared. I dont know if Ill ever get back to where I was before. I had so much going on... I would be writing til late at night... early in the morning I would wake up and scribble more. I loved it. I loved it.
Where, oh where have I gone to??? I was so caught up with being someone else that the real me has gotten away. Oh God, I hate this!
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The Lord of the Rings music does make me so emotional and sad - perfect music for writing and thinking.
ReplyDeleteI think you've hit it right on the nail - you've stopped being able to write because you've covered up yourself. After all, how can you be real on paper if you can't be real in real life? It is possible, but not for long.
It's like you're an oil painting, with many layers of color. God has been working on you, but you've taken the paintbrush away from Him and started trying to paint your own canvas. You're trying to make yourself over because you don't like the job He's done. Finally, when you realize that all you're doing is ruining the painting, you see that you must give the paintbrush over to Him. But he can't paint over your mess, he has to scrape off the layers, deeper and deeper until you're finally back to the original painting. The real you. And that's going to take time, and patience. You'll have to be willing to do it no matter how much it hurts.
Love you,
~Melody
Hi, Violet. (Mind if I call you that?)
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog through Melody's. After reading the posts, I can see that you are hurting right now, emotionally, mentally, physically -- just hurting, and I hate to see people hurt!
I have to say, as an avid writer, I have been there. So many times, I've been there. I realize where I'm going... how my writing passions have fizzled and are fading... and I turn around only to have a door slam in my face. I want to run and escape -- to just flee from this wasteland and return to the budding, sincerely pure love of writing... that easy, smooth flow from my mind to the paper. But sometimes, it doesn't come. I feel hopeless, like I'm fighting in a war without any resources, and so I just give up. I have long spells where I ignore my writing, because one of the hard parts is being honest with myself, and I don't always want to do that. I tell myself lies as I slip slowly away from what was good and simple. I know how despairing that feels!
Ugh, I can't even describe to you how desperately God loves you! He knit you in your mother's womb, and no matter how you see yourself according to the world's narrow standards, you will be gorgeous to Him. You are exquisitely beautiful. He made you absolutely perfect the way you are, and He doesn't want anything else. He's working in your life, I can tell, and the only thing you can do is cling to Him and trust that His hand is holding your heart no matter what! Sometimes you will fall, and you may think He's abandoned you, but He is ALWAYS walking right beside you, and if you let Him, He will help you get up again! You are His precious, precious child, and He made you to be unique -- not a fake, unhealthy copy of someone -- YOU! He wants nothing else, and to Him, nothing could be more sweet than His daughter seeking her true self -- who He made you to be! You won't always understand, but the more you read the Word of God -- those wonderfully eye-opening, amazing words that He has written to comfort and protect you -- you will know He's there, and you will be able to trust Him! He doesn't want any lies the world has tacked onto you, or any doubts in your mind about what you should be. He just wants you, raw and wholehearted, giving yourself to him as sincerely as a human can give. He wants to carry your burdens, and with faith, you'll be astonished at the mighty things He does! Trust in Him -- He guides you through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, and with His protection, you don't need to fear any evil!
I love you as my sister in Christ, and I will be praying for you extremely hard!!
Love,
Kailyn
"Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain." John 12:24
ReplyDeleteWithout death there cannot be growth. I've gone through something similar. There was a time when I was passionate about the Lord. Every day I woke with His praises on my lips and every night I was overwhelmed by His goodness throughout the day. It was wonderful. Then something happened. I stopped remembering to pray, I lost that exuberant joy, I ceased being awed by the mere thought of God. I felt like I was stumbling in the darkness, like I didn't even want to know God anymore and I cried, "What's happened to me?" Looking back now, I think I had become content with where I was. I had been thinking (without realizing it) that I had reached the spot in my spiritual growth that I needed to be. So God had to break me, take His hands off me a little so I would remember how desperately I need Him every moment and how far I am from true perfection. I have not again been so completely filled with love for God as I was in that time, but I can see how much farther I've come, how much more aware I am of my own sin nature and of His great goodness, how much more I know I need to go. I cannot go back to what was, but I can go forward to something even better.
Violet, God is working in Your life, He is working in You. Maybe you were trusting in yourself to write and not in the One who created you. Maybe He just wants to have some time with you, undistracted by writing and other things. I can't know and perhaps you can't either, but we both can know that whatever is happening is God's will for His glory and your growth. Whatever it is you are going through, if you trust in God and lean on Him, He will bring you through it as a better person, closer to Him, and that will affect every thing in your life, including your writing. If He is breaking you, it is to make a better you. If something in you is dying, it is so something better can live.
I hope my words have helped you a little, but whether or no I will be praying for you. May God bless you my dear sister in Christ and bring you ever closer to His side.
Thank you so much for all of your comments and your words of encouragement. Its so wonderful to see that there are other people, girls my age especially, who have gone through this or are going through this right now as well. Sometimes I fool myself into believing that I am alone and abandoned in this, that I have fallen too far behind everyone else to be redeemed... but I know now, and will continued to be reminded, that I am neither alone nor abandoned- that God has given me not only people in my life to encourage me, but also to run this race of Life with me.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are stimulated and inspired by my blog, and grow with me in turn. :)
I know exactly how you feel. Beautiful post--you can make people feel. Count that as a gift, for it is one of the greatest that you can have. Any artist aspires to that, but only those with the gift for it can make something of it. All the others with none can only manage half-hearted attempts with weak results.
ReplyDeleteFollowing your blog now.
Love & Blessings,
--Hannah