Well, the destruction of my life has continued.
If you knew me, you would know that I absolutely love my job. I love working there, the people there I have considered not only my co-workers, but my family. My sisters, brothers and even uncles and aunts. I felt like, now that I didnt have a real family in my life, I adopted this "family" into my life... somewhere to belong, somewhere to be at and be loved and everyone working to get the same result... as a TEAM. Ive always wanted that... Ive always wanted to be appreciated... needed. I wanted to be apart of something I could belong to where I was needed to do something because it was my job. My place.
I was so committed to this job. I would come early, stay late. I would do anything and everything... I was a hard worker and could even be called a workaholic by some. I was crazy happy, always cheerful, and I loved loved LOVED the people there... regardless of who they were and regardless if they loved me back. I tried my hardest to fit in.
So you can imagine my heart brokenness when I was sat down by my boss today, and he had to tell me he had to let me go. I was just fired. I was just fired. I was just let go by my 'family' AGAIN! When will this stop?
When I left home a year ago, it was hard for me to get my mind around that my parents werent going to come and demand that I come home. I wanted them to tell me that they missed me, needed me, and love me. All I wanted was to belong there as a memeber of the family and feel like I was actually needed or valued by them. Two weeks after leaving they contacted me telling me that I had a couple of weeks to come and get my stuff, or they would throw it out. I was so heartbroken... that my parents didnt even want me to come home... I felt so betrayed.
And now, again, I have been told to pack up my things and leave. Leave what? I cant leave behind the memories that I have of this place. I cant leave behind my sorrow and heartbrokenness that Im leaving the only other family I know... the place I belonged to and learned how to be a functional team member in. I cant leave the love I have for these people I worked with and served. I cant let go of them, no matter how easy or hard it was for them to let go of me.
Lord, I know you have some reason for this... I know you have some reason for this. I dont know what it is and I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I cant live like this... Lord. I cant live like this. Help me understand that you should be the only thing, the only 'family' I should be clinging to.
Its so hard not to cry. Im weeping, Lord. Why do you keep breaking me? Find me now, in my cage. I want to be free. I cant live like this. Lord Lord why have you turned your back on me?
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I can't imagine how hard that must be. I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe only way you'll ever get true fulfillment and love is if you're entirely resting on the Lord. You can't find your identity and the selfless love you're longing for anywhere else. It must be hard to turn to Him when it seems like He has turned against you, but you need to. Drench yourself with His Word. Read your Bible, study it, study God. Realize that you can do nothing without Him, pray that He will open your eyes to yourself. God loves you so, so much, fill yourself with that love by spending time with Him. Don't lean on your strength, lean on His. Cling to God, He will not fail you. God is working in your life, dear Violet, He is preparing you for something wonderful. You can take joy in the knowledge that He is growing you, not letting you be stagnate, bringing you closer to Him so that you can have true joy and be filled with His love. Oh Violet, reading your blog breaks my heart, but this all is good because God is good. Listen to what He is trying to tell you by reading His letters to you. Go to His word and the Holy Spirit within you will guide your mind to understanding.
My prayers are with you, dear sister.
Please read this post by a blogger friend of mine: http://generationstandup.blogspot.com/2010/03/weary-fighting-battles-on-your-knees.html
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, my dear sister.
~Melody
Dearest Violet, it just brings me such sorrow to read that. I know what it feels like to be wrenched from a place where you belonged. I've lived in about eight different houses and four different states, and each time I moved was unbelievably hard. I don't know HOW many churches I've had to leave... all my friends that were closer than anybody to me were just torn away from me, and I would cry for weeks. I sympathize with you deeply, and I wish there were something I could do to ease your pain. But I know that the only real comfort comes from God and His Word. Like Merriette said, if you just dive into the Bible, let it permeate your heart and soul, He will guide your path and mind, and you will be able to accept it in time. Here's a beautiful song by Superchick called Beauty from Pain. It made me think of you. (You can listen to it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqBMYoctFZM&feature=player_embedded)
ReplyDeleteThe lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
I know how you feel -- alone, wretched, hopeless, dejected, miserable, confused, angry, lifeless, wasted. But no matter what, never think that you're alone. We all love you, Violet, and we all want to be there through this stage in your life. And not only do we care about you, but the Lord cares about you too! And he loves you so much more than we could! He wants you to trust him as he shapes and molds you into a beautiful, flawless piece of pottery.
I am still praying hard for you, Violet. Never give up. God is always there for you.
Love,
Kailyn
It is during the darkest hours of our lives that we usually see the brightest light. Dear, just keep the faith. God has His plans for you. Greater than you own dreams. These times that you feel most alone, He is hugging you tight.
ReplyDeleteI'll pray that you would find strength in Him. And that after all the weeping, you'd come out to the world and smile again. :)
God bless you!