Apology

Im here at 1247 in the morning to apologize for not writing anything in a long while. :( But Im here with news, and lots of it!

Well, I had a major problem with my computer that Ive finally fixed (all by myself!!! Im terrible with technological "conveniences" and I was amazed that I fixed something without leaving my laptop in smouldering flames.), and even though Im not trying to use that as an excuse for not writing, it was a serious disadvantage. :P

There has been a lot of things God has been placing in my life- good? bad? Im not sure. I havent yet discerned what God has allowed for my benefit, and what he's placed for a test, and what he's permitted to be a temptation by the evils of this world.

This week Ive had to really face my flaws this week. I have two major sin-issues that God has been really tugging at my heart about. One; my hatred for authority and deep desire to be the lord of my own life and the god of my own world. The blatant disdain and loathing of those who were put in my life to "tell me what to do", whether it be with my best interest at heart, or just a formal law everyone needs to follow for the sake of the smooth function of the system... I have realized how much I really work against God- consciously or unconciously. Its hard to see something I have for so long justified with ridiculous reasons and excuses- supposing for a second that maybe God wouldnt notice if I slipped under the radar alittle. Wow, how much I was wrong and he was right! Hes been embracing me with loving arms, but giving me the look of that of a disapproving father- the "You know what the right thing to do in this situation... dont make me spell it out for you" look.

Two; my compulsion to twist the Truth and consistent decision to tell a lie in stead. Ive lived my life on the backs of too much disception, and the foundation is shakey. Im not speaking the language of my Father, but of my father... the devil... and I hate and love it at the same time. I am mortified that these things even come out of my mouth without notice or conscience anymore. I realize now that I have fallen into a bigger pit than I first thought, and cannot get out without some Help.

Thank you, Lord, for loving me even though I constantly forsake you. I love you so much, I cannot know the extent of what you have truely done for me. I pray with a breaking heart, continue to break my heart and my will, so that I may no longer be hard hearted, but finally gently reconciled with you.