Ive been riddled with bullets,
I can no longer stand.
My heart is pounding,
my chest to my hand...
Ive been fighting a good fight
atleast what they say;
the battle took hours,
All night and all day.
I crawl to the edge
Of the Veteran's Hill;
On these long green tresses
Much blood has been spilt.
The sounds in my ears,
are of death closing in...
I feel like a Saint
Drowning in sin.
I was here to fight,
protect and to win-
The freedom of innocents
whose lives that were pinned
To Depravity, and Depression
And Death and Doubt,
But my acts seemed in vain,
my words merely spout.
They loved their enslavement,
their chains, their fetters.
They loved oppression
and bowing to betters.
They desired scarred hands
over freedom and life.
They wanted lonesomeness
over Family, and Wife.
They fought over scraps,
when the table was open.
They didnt want to live,
they were happy with "coping".
I tried to explain
that Life was so much more.
But none would turn ear
Nor open their door.
I tried to show them
by demonstating myself.
I longed to show them
the extent of my Wealth.
I wanted to love them,
they were so lost.
Like strangled new plants
under mid-spring's frost.
But they denied me,
they werent able to see;
That the reason they're breathing
was all because of me.
So I told them one last thing
To try and get some eye.
The only way I free them
is to go and die.
I fought for thier hearts
I fought for their souls
I threw my all into it,
Love was my goal.
And when the last shot
from Heaven was heard...
I fell down the Valley
with not another word.
And now I lay dying,
Hoping and pleaing.
That those whom I saved
Would stop all their fleeing.
That my fight to free
their children and wives,
and gave up my soul
for their very lives,
would change something in them
Even just a small bit
They would finally realize
they're stuck in a pit.
One man's death
for a million's escape,
from the inevitable death
that's every mans fate.
I wish I could say
that they all ran free.
I wish I could say
they remembered me.
But even though
I crawled to the top
And let open the gates
That all others stopped,
they still loved their monotonous
rambling slop.
Nothing I can do
can make them realize!
That they live a life
that leads to demise!
And I went to my death
fighting for Light
fighting for Good to win
Wrong to Right...
I hope some will listen,
I hope some will turn.
I dont know yet...
Who will learn?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Balance
A couple of weeks ago I did some calculating, and I realized (unfortunately) that I was about thirty pounds over my perspective wieght based on my height and bone structure. This didnt exactly come to me as a shock... My self-image hasnt ever been all that great. I was scared that this knowledge would trigger some bad habits that lead me into a eating disorerlike craze that I believed I had kicked for good. Its hard for me to find balance, and with eating, I didnt want myself to go overboard either way.
Its hard for me to find balance. I obsess with so much, and then when I start trying to find balance, I obsess in what that balance is supposed to look like, and how close to the mark Ive set I am. I try hard to not create opportunities for me to outlet my addictive personality, but its so hard when things are like this. Cant do too much, cant do too little, but cant become too controlling in doing neither excessively... I dont know.
Its hard for me to find balance. I obsess with so much, and then when I start trying to find balance, I obsess in what that balance is supposed to look like, and how close to the mark Ive set I am. I try hard to not create opportunities for me to outlet my addictive personality, but its so hard when things are like this. Cant do too much, cant do too little, but cant become too controlling in doing neither excessively... I dont know.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
My Bestest Friend
It has been a long time since I took a couple minutes from my day to write a post on my blog about the progress Ive been having, so here I am to do just that- and to apologize for not doing it sooner.
I dont know if its the depression still trying to fight me (because things dont go away overnight) or if its a lingering conviction I havent chosen to listen to, but something makes me feel like Im pending right now. Today I got to hang out with my very best friend and we had a blast- I think we havent been able to talk like we did in a very long time... and the feeling is- different. I dont know how to place it, or where to place it, but I feel different every time I talk to her, every time I hang out with her. So I decided (right here and now) to think this through- her effect on me, and then in turn, my response to this effect, here in this post.
I have known her now, for as long as I can remember, it seems. And though the infamous quote "knows me better than I know myself" might not quite apply perfectly, she does know alot about me. Alot Ive let her know, and some shes figured out on her own. Shes quiet in her confidence, indecisive when it comes to things of irrelevancy, and skips down the hall only when the person she's with skips themselves (and started first, or the subject was offered)... completely and utterly opposite of me. But she also loves the Lord, strives to better herself in His eyes, and is an ever-present role model for me when times get tough.
Im going to be completely honest here and let you in on a little secret- Im not the commiting type. I dont stick around forever. I dont like it, its too scarey. Its too predictable. Its too close. I tried too many times, and although for awhile the results seemed satisfying, the emphasis has always been "for awhile". I dont know how to do this "forever" thing... Im going to tell the truth, and say, at this point, I never really wanted to do it. I wasnt ever willing to accept that someone could love me as much as I loved other people- somehow my flaws were the things that drove people away, and that my walls were too thick and too wide for anyone to come in close enough for a shot, and I liked it that way.
But... shes different. And not different in an overall good way either. I didnt open up over night... it wasnt that "Oh we're best friends so lets share all our secrets and make a secret club with a secret handshake"... (though there was a club... no handshake however- bummer). Life was difficult for me at the early stages of our friendship... and even though we've been best friends for six (going on seven) years now, I cant tell you if life was hard or easy for her during that time. Ive never asked. Maybe its because I dont want to hear what I missed out on... or maybe its because I dont want to hear that she can relate.
I used to have this really weird urge to protect her. Like shes this unmarred, innocent little thing that needs some big strong somebody to lead her through life making sure wrongs get turned into rights, frowns turned into smiles, and ice cream cones dont fall into sandboxes. Unfortunately, she already had someone for the job. Her God. :( My luck.
Im starting to slowly realize that my love for people isnt enough. Im not big enough to heal them, make them feel better, take the pain away, or even shield some of that from happening in the future. Im not big enough to keep them from hurting, or hurting others, or witnessing someone somewhere get hurt. But God is... and I just need to let His love do the job... and let people go.
Shes one of the smartest people I know. She asks me "Did you pray about it?" when I ask her for advice. She takes pictures of us together and tells me I look cute. She critiques my new hair cut (I cut my own hair) and tells me the truth. I can trust her to not turn her back on me, even if Im on the floor, sobbing, with a pregnancy test in my hand. I cant hold back the tears now, thinking of all the strength and courage my God (and her God) has gifted her with... and how little I gave her credit for... for how much I doubted her... for how frequently I didnt tell her the whole truth... for the walls, and the lies, and the pain. She doesnt/didnt deserve that.
I am trying my hardest to change now. When I realize something, I try my hardest to change it. My best friend is now someone I know KNOW KNOW I can trust. The traits I see in her I want in my future husband, I want in my future kids. The God in her I see so clearly... I want to be so reflective of His light. :)
Its still hard for me to open up, and I still have the instinct to protect her to fight... but I believe she (and I) are in good Hands. Of a very very VERY Best Friend indeed.
I dont know if its the depression still trying to fight me (because things dont go away overnight) or if its a lingering conviction I havent chosen to listen to, but something makes me feel like Im pending right now. Today I got to hang out with my very best friend and we had a blast- I think we havent been able to talk like we did in a very long time... and the feeling is- different. I dont know how to place it, or where to place it, but I feel different every time I talk to her, every time I hang out with her. So I decided (right here and now) to think this through- her effect on me, and then in turn, my response to this effect, here in this post.
I have known her now, for as long as I can remember, it seems. And though the infamous quote "knows me better than I know myself" might not quite apply perfectly, she does know alot about me. Alot Ive let her know, and some shes figured out on her own. Shes quiet in her confidence, indecisive when it comes to things of irrelevancy, and skips down the hall only when the person she's with skips themselves (and started first, or the subject was offered)... completely and utterly opposite of me. But she also loves the Lord, strives to better herself in His eyes, and is an ever-present role model for me when times get tough.
Im going to be completely honest here and let you in on a little secret- Im not the commiting type. I dont stick around forever. I dont like it, its too scarey. Its too predictable. Its too close. I tried too many times, and although for awhile the results seemed satisfying, the emphasis has always been "for awhile". I dont know how to do this "forever" thing... Im going to tell the truth, and say, at this point, I never really wanted to do it. I wasnt ever willing to accept that someone could love me as much as I loved other people- somehow my flaws were the things that drove people away, and that my walls were too thick and too wide for anyone to come in close enough for a shot, and I liked it that way.
But... shes different. And not different in an overall good way either. I didnt open up over night... it wasnt that "Oh we're best friends so lets share all our secrets and make a secret club with a secret handshake"... (though there was a club... no handshake however- bummer). Life was difficult for me at the early stages of our friendship... and even though we've been best friends for six (going on seven) years now, I cant tell you if life was hard or easy for her during that time. Ive never asked. Maybe its because I dont want to hear what I missed out on... or maybe its because I dont want to hear that she can relate.
I used to have this really weird urge to protect her. Like shes this unmarred, innocent little thing that needs some big strong somebody to lead her through life making sure wrongs get turned into rights, frowns turned into smiles, and ice cream cones dont fall into sandboxes. Unfortunately, she already had someone for the job. Her God. :( My luck.
Im starting to slowly realize that my love for people isnt enough. Im not big enough to heal them, make them feel better, take the pain away, or even shield some of that from happening in the future. Im not big enough to keep them from hurting, or hurting others, or witnessing someone somewhere get hurt. But God is... and I just need to let His love do the job... and let people go.
Shes one of the smartest people I know. She asks me "Did you pray about it?" when I ask her for advice. She takes pictures of us together and tells me I look cute. She critiques my new hair cut (I cut my own hair) and tells me the truth. I can trust her to not turn her back on me, even if Im on the floor, sobbing, with a pregnancy test in my hand. I cant hold back the tears now, thinking of all the strength and courage my God (and her God) has gifted her with... and how little I gave her credit for... for how much I doubted her... for how frequently I didnt tell her the whole truth... for the walls, and the lies, and the pain. She doesnt/didnt deserve that.
I am trying my hardest to change now. When I realize something, I try my hardest to change it. My best friend is now someone I know KNOW KNOW I can trust. The traits I see in her I want in my future husband, I want in my future kids. The God in her I see so clearly... I want to be so reflective of His light. :)
Its still hard for me to open up, and I still have the instinct to protect her to fight... but I believe she (and I) are in good Hands. Of a very very VERY Best Friend indeed.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
All My Husbands
Saturday Night.
I was/am home alone, and I was letting myself get bored, and I was deciding whether to let some things control my decisions- saying stupid bull like "Ill start stopping next week!" lol stupid me.
God took my stimulating friends (the Bible calls them "Bad Company") from me, and He took my phone service from me too... caused my eyes get hot and hurt so that the computer and tv were harsh and cruel, and made my Bible be conveniently sitting on my bed the exact time I yelled "Why am I avoiding You, Lord?!" in my head.
I opened up my Bible, and continued reading Ezra (Third Day and Building 429 music in the background)... and it was the end of the book, and I SWEAR I was thinking 'I cant wait to move on and check this off that I DID this' when I realized what I was truely reading. It was about the intermarraige the Israelites had done with foreigners and pagans, and he (Ezra) tore his robes and wept.
I was/am home alone, and I was letting myself get bored, and I was deciding whether to let some things control my decisions- saying stupid bull like "Ill start stopping next week!" lol stupid me.
God took my stimulating friends (the Bible calls them "Bad Company") from me, and He took my phone service from me too... caused my eyes get hot and hurt so that the computer and tv were harsh and cruel, and made my Bible be conveniently sitting on my bed the exact time I yelled "Why am I avoiding You, Lord?!" in my head.
I opened up my Bible, and continued reading Ezra (Third Day and Building 429 music in the background)... and it was the end of the book, and I SWEAR I was thinking 'I cant wait to move on and check this off that I DID this' when I realized what I was truely reading. It was about the intermarraige the Israelites had done with foreigners and pagans, and he (Ezra) tore his robes and wept.
"O My God, I am too ashamed and disgraced
to lift up my face to you, my God,
because our sins are higher than our heads
and our guilt has reached to the heavens."
YES! LORD! (me)
Then he (Ezra) goes on to tell the Israelites to confess and to send their foreign wives and children away. (!!!)
I realized what I was saying in my head even before I finished saying it- "Sounds a little extreme... send away their wives and children??? blablablabla" Then it clicked. They were to divorce and send away their foreign wives and children.
LORD I have married and had children with things that should never have that role in my life. I cannot think for two, four, seven (however many "weddings" Ive been through)! Lord, help me divorce my husbands! Not only the physical beings you've already convicted and caused me to strip from my life, but these things, feelings, objects, and actions too! I want to be a free woman! I want to be single!
Teach me how to divorce each one out of my life! Teach me!
Teach me how to handle the loss of my "husband" and "children".
Teach me to cling to you for comfort rather to my other "husbands".
Tech me how to send them away completely and know when another one comes-a-courting!
I WANT TO BE WHOLE
Monday, May 3, 2010
Brokenness
God has really been doing some hefty work in my life these past few weeks... from convictions worth years of bitterness, clearing out all my friends who have even a hint of bad character in them, and bringing emotional chaos in my life- to bring me ever closer to Him. He has revealed Himself so strangely and so wonderously these past weeks that I am blown away and humbled greatly by everything that He has done for me...
Lately, just now, actually, I feel so guilty. Guilty for holding on to my selfish desires and brokenness when I feel like I should be whole, and helping OTHERS not nursing my wounds on the sidelines of life. I do so much complaining, that I waste time talking about the problems I have and doing nothing about them, and missing out on the grace, and the blessing, and the miracles I could have seen by God through me and other people.
Recently God has removed from my life all of the friends that I deeply emotionally cared about, but were no good for my life. They not only brought me down, but hindered and crippled me from making good, pure decisions. They caused me to closet God, and hide him, instead of be confident in my faith enough to yell Him from the roof tops. They made me ashamed of my God. They made me ashamed of my beliefs. They caused me to compromise my standards, and marr my purity of spirit, mind and body. And when I was not able to remove them from my life myself, God stepped in, and through bazaar incidents that dont make sense and cannot be explained, one by one each one has dissappeared. And I am so relieved.
Love has always been a hard thing for me. I care about people deeply... but its always been hard for me to truely love someone, because I have been so hurt so deeply so often. I cannot trust completely because life is cruel. All of my life I have desparately held on to the belief that No one can love me as much as I love other people.
THAT IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL. I have to yell this because my ears have been closed to this for so long. People LOVE me! People love and care about me deeply! I am not alone, and I am not letting anyone down by not throwing myself into the crowds broken... I am not sinning by striving to be whole... I am loved I am loved I am loved. I do NOT need to be going after any kind of sexual compulsive behaviors with ANYONE for outlet of emotional brokenness. The ONLY ONE who can make me whole is YOU, GOD! You!
Lord Lord Lord... my Daddy. I want you, I need you! Lord, my Savior! I am so broken I cannot bear the pain anymore. The blood flows off my fingertips onto your brow... and I realize that I cannot give what I cannot have. I cannot love anyone without at first receiving it... and with the belief of No one can love me as much as I love others-- comes no love at all. Refusal that anyone can love me. Refusal that I need love. But THAT IS NOT TRUE. You love me. You love me. You love me.
I cannot live like this... so far away from you. I want you close to me... so close I can feel your breath inside my heart... so close that I can feel your power in my fingertips. You humble me and strengthen me with confidence all at the same time. GLORY is yours Glory is YOURS!!!
Your voice has told me so much... and I am greiving my loss right now. Grieving the loss of my sinful nature, grieving the loss of the friends I loved and cared about, grieving the loss of my own desires and my own will- but happy and so relieved at the same time. I have already proved that I cannot rule my life on my own very well at all without causing pain and brokenness to myself and everyone around me. I understand now how you are God and I am just a girl. Love me and tear away my bitterness and hatred, my security Lord, take away my routine. Give me flexibility Lord, give me hope... give me joy. I need joy, Lord. I want joy.
Use me, Lord. I want to be whole. I want to be WHOLE.
Lately, just now, actually, I feel so guilty. Guilty for holding on to my selfish desires and brokenness when I feel like I should be whole, and helping OTHERS not nursing my wounds on the sidelines of life. I do so much complaining, that I waste time talking about the problems I have and doing nothing about them, and missing out on the grace, and the blessing, and the miracles I could have seen by God through me and other people.
Recently God has removed from my life all of the friends that I deeply emotionally cared about, but were no good for my life. They not only brought me down, but hindered and crippled me from making good, pure decisions. They caused me to closet God, and hide him, instead of be confident in my faith enough to yell Him from the roof tops. They made me ashamed of my God. They made me ashamed of my beliefs. They caused me to compromise my standards, and marr my purity of spirit, mind and body. And when I was not able to remove them from my life myself, God stepped in, and through bazaar incidents that dont make sense and cannot be explained, one by one each one has dissappeared. And I am so relieved.
Love has always been a hard thing for me. I care about people deeply... but its always been hard for me to truely love someone, because I have been so hurt so deeply so often. I cannot trust completely because life is cruel. All of my life I have desparately held on to the belief that No one can love me as much as I love other people.
THAT IS A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL. I have to yell this because my ears have been closed to this for so long. People LOVE me! People love and care about me deeply! I am not alone, and I am not letting anyone down by not throwing myself into the crowds broken... I am not sinning by striving to be whole... I am loved I am loved I am loved. I do NOT need to be going after any kind of sexual compulsive behaviors with ANYONE for outlet of emotional brokenness. The ONLY ONE who can make me whole is YOU, GOD! You!
Lord Lord Lord... my Daddy. I want you, I need you! Lord, my Savior! I am so broken I cannot bear the pain anymore. The blood flows off my fingertips onto your brow... and I realize that I cannot give what I cannot have. I cannot love anyone without at first receiving it... and with the belief of No one can love me as much as I love others-- comes no love at all. Refusal that anyone can love me. Refusal that I need love. But THAT IS NOT TRUE. You love me. You love me. You love me.
I cannot live like this... so far away from you. I want you close to me... so close I can feel your breath inside my heart... so close that I can feel your power in my fingertips. You humble me and strengthen me with confidence all at the same time. GLORY is yours Glory is YOURS!!!
Your voice has told me so much... and I am greiving my loss right now. Grieving the loss of my sinful nature, grieving the loss of the friends I loved and cared about, grieving the loss of my own desires and my own will- but happy and so relieved at the same time. I have already proved that I cannot rule my life on my own very well at all without causing pain and brokenness to myself and everyone around me. I understand now how you are God and I am just a girl. Love me and tear away my bitterness and hatred, my security Lord, take away my routine. Give me flexibility Lord, give me hope... give me joy. I need joy, Lord. I want joy.
Use me, Lord. I want to be whole. I want to be WHOLE.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
The Definition of Love
Love is Love is Love is Love. The definition of Love is definitive- therefore a period, not a dotdotdot, not a comma, not a semi-colon... People tend to believe that their pursuit of Love is infinitely based on their definition of it... but I believe that is wrong. They are merely describing their feelings or response to Love, or their desired ideallic feelings as such. Love's definition does not alter between persons, but remains the same- they instead manipulate their idea of the definition of Love to fit their desired feelings and emotional/spiritual/physical destination. Love is a universal term... a universal, infinite term that describes and definest something of its own entity within itself. Petty humans cannot master something so great without directing themselves to the Definition of Love Himself.
What is the definition of love? Prehaps the true question, in this case, is who, not what. Love is, essentially, impossible to grasp. It has a category all on its own- it can describe others and itself entirely at the same time. You can feel love, see love, show love, be love, give love, recieve love, call love by its name... as if it broke and fulfilled all of the grammatical laws of language we know of. Although the Definition of Love Himself cannot be defined by just a couple lines in a dictionary (no, not even the thousands of pages can contain enough information that would sufficiently scrape the surface of such a definition), there are ways we can detect Love- detect its true identity, versus it's imposters. Those who see Love as a word, a deed, a feeling that can be manipulated, predicted, brushed aside or stimulated by man alone. Those who believe Love is something to be lost, fallen into, found, or fallen out of. Love is not a wandering hole in the ground someone trips into and flounders around in... neither is Love so menial a thing that it can be lost by a word, deed or feeling.
Love is so much greater. Love is Greater. It is The Greater. Not only bigger than our brains can intellectually rationalize, but it is The Bigger. It is not vast but The Vast, not complete but The Complete. Love holds tight the perfection we so strangely pursue in imperfection. We desire completion, wholeness... by searching for it in broken things. Love's worldly picture creates standards to be met, quotas to be met, needs to be satisfied, feelings to be felt... words to be said- when in reality all of those things indeed are included in The Defintion, but only included- they are not, in turn, the definition themselves, which so many people so sadly mistake them to be.
Love is Patient. The Patience people are when they are perfectly patient. Perfection in Patience. Same with Kindness. Love is Kind. The Definition of Love is both Patient (in it's completion), and Kind (in its completion). Love does not envy. What does this mean? That He- the Definition of Love- cannot be envious of others because Love is the residence above all things. Love has no jealousy of things it already has- for jealousy is of lusting after what one does not have, and Love holds everything. Love is perfectly complete.
Love is not rude. Because Love does not need to rise any further. He doesnt require the slashing of others in order to elevate Himself- Love is perfectly complete. Love is not self-seeking... Love is not easily angered, Love keeps no record of wrongs, Love doesnt delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love delights in the Truth because it is the Truth. Love defines Truth and Truth defines Love. They are one. Anything evil will break it, and since Love is perfectly complete, therefore there is no brokenness. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. The definition of Always is infinite. It is perfectly continuing forever. There is never a time when it isnt- Always is forever. Love is forever. If at one time Love did not protect, trust, hope or persevere- Love would cease to be itself.
Love never fails. Never is forever. If Love failed even once- it would cease to be Love. Love Himself would cease to be Himself. Because forever continues perfectly on. And Love is forever.
These are the things Love is. But the Definition of Love still is mind-boggling. Who is this entity who can contain these perfect, complete, infinite traits? Love can only be found by asking this question. Love is that substinance that we, whoever we are, strive for all of our lives. Consciously or unconsciously. Intentionally or unintentionally. We are here, ultimately, because of Love. To find Him... or, rather, for Him to find us.
We frequently make the mistake of believing that Love is something we can say offhandedly to our girlfriend, parent, best friend, sibling- without thought or second thought... mostly in ignorance (sometimes in intentional refusal of the knowledge) of the true Definition of Love. It really is His name we are using so crassly every day of our lives. He is Love, is He not? Therefore it is His Definition and He is it's. Then why do we use the term "love" so loosely- a thing that has so much... is so much. Perfectly MUCH.
You can laugh or roll your eyes, sigh, and move on- but hopefully not. Hopefully my epiphany (my "aha moment) has created one of your own. I know that my desire of Love is emminent... and my desire to become a Missionary has stemmed ultimately from my yearn to reveal this Love (in all of its perfection and completion) to others. Ive realized that not only does 1st Corinthians 13 define God, but it should define us (in all of its perfection and completion) because we are no longer bearers of excuse in Ignorance. We cannot say we have exeption to flaw. We are of God... and God is of us! The Definition of Love should be ultimately and definitively, shown and revealed through us.
Why is this so often not the case!?
What is the definition of love? Prehaps the true question, in this case, is who, not what. Love is, essentially, impossible to grasp. It has a category all on its own- it can describe others and itself entirely at the same time. You can feel love, see love, show love, be love, give love, recieve love, call love by its name... as if it broke and fulfilled all of the grammatical laws of language we know of. Although the Definition of Love Himself cannot be defined by just a couple lines in a dictionary (no, not even the thousands of pages can contain enough information that would sufficiently scrape the surface of such a definition), there are ways we can detect Love- detect its true identity, versus it's imposters. Those who see Love as a word, a deed, a feeling that can be manipulated, predicted, brushed aside or stimulated by man alone. Those who believe Love is something to be lost, fallen into, found, or fallen out of. Love is not a wandering hole in the ground someone trips into and flounders around in... neither is Love so menial a thing that it can be lost by a word, deed or feeling.
Love is so much greater. Love is Greater. It is The Greater. Not only bigger than our brains can intellectually rationalize, but it is The Bigger. It is not vast but The Vast, not complete but The Complete. Love holds tight the perfection we so strangely pursue in imperfection. We desire completion, wholeness... by searching for it in broken things. Love's worldly picture creates standards to be met, quotas to be met, needs to be satisfied, feelings to be felt... words to be said- when in reality all of those things indeed are included in The Defintion, but only included- they are not, in turn, the definition themselves, which so many people so sadly mistake them to be.
Love is Patient. The Patience people are when they are perfectly patient. Perfection in Patience. Same with Kindness. Love is Kind. The Definition of Love is both Patient (in it's completion), and Kind (in its completion). Love does not envy. What does this mean? That He- the Definition of Love- cannot be envious of others because Love is the residence above all things. Love has no jealousy of things it already has- for jealousy is of lusting after what one does not have, and Love holds everything. Love is perfectly complete.
Love is not rude. Because Love does not need to rise any further. He doesnt require the slashing of others in order to elevate Himself- Love is perfectly complete. Love is not self-seeking... Love is not easily angered, Love keeps no record of wrongs, Love doesnt delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love delights in the Truth because it is the Truth. Love defines Truth and Truth defines Love. They are one. Anything evil will break it, and since Love is perfectly complete, therefore there is no brokenness. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. The definition of Always is infinite. It is perfectly continuing forever. There is never a time when it isnt- Always is forever. Love is forever. If at one time Love did not protect, trust, hope or persevere- Love would cease to be itself.
Love never fails. Never is forever. If Love failed even once- it would cease to be Love. Love Himself would cease to be Himself. Because forever continues perfectly on. And Love is forever.
These are the things Love is. But the Definition of Love still is mind-boggling. Who is this entity who can contain these perfect, complete, infinite traits? Love can only be found by asking this question. Love is that substinance that we, whoever we are, strive for all of our lives. Consciously or unconsciously. Intentionally or unintentionally. We are here, ultimately, because of Love. To find Him... or, rather, for Him to find us.
We frequently make the mistake of believing that Love is something we can say offhandedly to our girlfriend, parent, best friend, sibling- without thought or second thought... mostly in ignorance (sometimes in intentional refusal of the knowledge) of the true Definition of Love. It really is His name we are using so crassly every day of our lives. He is Love, is He not? Therefore it is His Definition and He is it's. Then why do we use the term "love" so loosely- a thing that has so much... is so much. Perfectly MUCH.
You can laugh or roll your eyes, sigh, and move on- but hopefully not. Hopefully my epiphany (my "aha moment) has created one of your own. I know that my desire of Love is emminent... and my desire to become a Missionary has stemmed ultimately from my yearn to reveal this Love (in all of its perfection and completion) to others. Ive realized that not only does 1st Corinthians 13 define God, but it should define us (in all of its perfection and completion) because we are no longer bearers of excuse in Ignorance. We cannot say we have exeption to flaw. We are of God... and God is of us! The Definition of Love should be ultimately and definitively, shown and revealed through us.
Why is this so often not the case!?
Monday, April 26, 2010
The Window of Your Heart
Even though things go downhill, Im still holding tight to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. My guy and I just decided that it was best if we dont see eachother anymore... and Im trying to deal with it the right way. Listening to Christian music, talking to some really good friends, making a pan of brownies, and about to read my Bible-- I want to reconnect with my Lover forever! :)
I wrote this to console me three or four years ago- but it still applies to me today, and applies to you too. :)
The Window of Your Heart
…to the Brides of Christ…
You sit there, against that Wailing Wall of your room, wondering if you are ever going to make it though this mess they call Life. Everywhere you turn someone puts you down, and the tears that stain your heart mark the pain and the burden of your rejection. Love… you are yearning for love.
But wait! Hope is coming like the Spring’s beauty after Winter’s frost. You have not been abandoned, you are not alone. There is a Lover who pursues you, and longs for you to notice Him. He is waiting.
He loves you so much that he knocks at the door of your heart, and stands in line patiently with the others. He longs for you to pick him; invite Him into your heart, and His heart shatters each time you choose someone or something else to be the love of your life.
He loves you so much He puts His strongest, fastest angels to take care of you, and watches your every move. Tears spring to His eyes when you don’t accept His angel’s help and protection, and instead accept the strength of some mortal protector, who, in the end, cannot shield you from the Enemy’s attacks.
He loves you so much He wants to give you the whole world and He does. He gives you the moon, and the stars, and lies in the grass with you, pointing out every little point of light, His heart soaring because you like it. He took so long to paint the sky so it would be beautiful for you, hoping, knowing, that it would touch your heart.
Flowers? He loves you so much He brings you flowers, millions of flowers, and shows you his sense of humor by bringing them even in the form of dandelions or ragweed. He beautifully packages His flowers in colors of green and yellow and red and purple, orange, pink, blue, white… all the colors of the rainbow. He knows you love them, and they are labeled “From your Secret Admirer.”
You’ve always longed for a Secret Admirer, someone who pursued you because you were beautiful, alluring, lovely… well, you do.
He is so much in love with you that he doesn’t care about your past. He gets down on His knees and begs you: “I love you, I have loved you for as long as I remember. Please tell me that you love me,” He pleads.
He is valiant. He fights the demons that hold you, the addictions, the obsessions, the sin that has you in chains, a phantom of fear cast around your heart. He hears your screams to be rescued, loves you so much to throw Himself at the dragon and fight for you. He could have left you to die, there are other girls who are easier to come by, who would love it if He even gave them a glance. But no… He gave them up for you. He loves you, and will go to all lengths, all risks, to get you, to prove to you His love.
He is close, and sensitive, embracing us when your heart weeps, when your life breaks apart into a million pieces. He carries you when you get scared in the storm, and comes looking for you, crying out your name, when the hurricane of your thinking separates you. He tears up about your pain when you open up to him, and with gentle hands He heals you.
He is thoughtful. In the morning He wakes you softly with the rays of the sun and the melodious songs of birds. He whispers you good morning and kisses you with the soft breeze coming in through the open window. Even on a gloomy day he has a special surprise only for your heart to know and understand. He tells you of His plans, of His purpose, about His struggles and how much He desires to be with you within the pages of His love letters to you, and is downcast and so dejected when you pass up reading His words to you for some other book or method of leisure. You allow someone or something else to romance and allure your heart, and it brings tears to His eyes and pain to His heart. He knows how weak that someone or something is, and how weak you are.
He cries out to you, longs for you to look at Him. But your gaze is fixed on someone else. The Enemy. The Enemy has captured the gaze of His beloved.
He loves you so much that He waits, even though you left Him. When you realize that the Enemy’s tune-less murmur in your ear is taking you away from He who cherishes you, you will cry out to Him. He will valiantly rescue you again. He loves you so much He will throw thousands of angels up against the Enemy, only to get you back. And he loves you so much, he will rescue you again, and again; and again, and again. Nothing you can do will make Him get angry with you enough to leave you. And He will never let the Enemy harm you. He will not leave you, He will not desert you. Although you might reject Him, He will wait patiently, pursuing your heart until you return to his arms, safe once more.
But He does not wait motionless; no. Every single moment you are away, in the Enemy’s lair, he is resless. He calls for you, runs to you, trying to make yu notice Him. He does not rest until you are rescued, safe. He pleads with you, begs you, trying to gently tell you that the way you are going leads to destruction, and heartache. His heart breaks when you let the Enemy plug your ears. He screams in anguish when you let the Enemy lead you, knowing it is towards Destruction.
“Take anything else!” He cries. “Take anything else! My home, my creation, my crown, even myself, if only you would spare my beloved! Take me instead, not her! Please!”
He loves you so much He ran into the land of Shadow to bring you out. The Enemy tied Him up with the chains destined for you. He was blamed for your addictions; He felt the pain of your abuse; He cried out when the burden of your sin was thrown upon him, wrung around His throat. He looked at you, His starry eyes tearing, as His Enemy pushed Him into the abyss, instead of you.
He loves you so much he took your past from you- your impurity, your abuse, your pain, your ugliness, your infliction, your depression, your loss, your disability, your weakness, your arrogance, your ignorance, your poverty, your nakedness, your embarrassment, your unloveableness, your scorn, your hurt, and ultimately, ultimately… your brokenness.
But… He is powerful. He is strong. So powerful, He defeated the Enemy. He defeated your sin! No longer does the Enemy’s lairs have power over you. Your addictions have been taken away from you… you are free!
Your anger has been vanquished… smile- you are free!
You are whole, perfect, pure- the scars of abuse have been taken away… you are free!
The traces of darkness, ugliness and depression have been washed away… He is victorious; rejoice! You are free!
The loss, the wounds of that which was ripped away from you by Death, by Poverty… by the forces of the Enemy, are restored… You are free!
And He runs, galliantly, towards you, arms open wide, ready to accept you into them. Tears streaming joyfully down His face, the light and beauty of His Kingdom filling the defeated darkness of the Enemy, He throws you up into the air, and catches you, embracing you. Finally you are together, free.
And when you are with Him, you are who you were made to be. He completes you.
Hand in hand He walks you down a glorious path in the woods. Butterflies, wild flowers, a shimmering brook rushing over smooth rocks and stones and cascading over them into a deliciously cool pond… Rabbits scamper as you swim and bask in the sunlight.
Then He pulls you up, out of the Valleys and into the Clouds. Up over the trees and into the mountains. The sunset sets the rocks afire. A warm, crackling campfire, roasting marshmallows and hot dogs and talking softly… You lean your head against His chest and even the chill of the starry night air cant get to you, because He is holding you.
With Him, you are whole. You are free He shows you many things, talks to you. And He wants you to talk to Him, about everything. He wants you to let Him know you.
When you feel alone, head in your hands, back against a wall, He comes walking up the aisle with His hands shoved in His pockets. He gives you a small smile and squats next to you, eyes searching, asking you to tell Him what is wrong.
When you are happy, rejoicing over an accomplishment, He throws you a party. He breaks out a grin and invites all of your friends. “Look how fantastic she is… I don’t know what I’d do without her!” He exclaims.
When you are stressed, and cant seem to get anything right, His arms embrace your world and your heart, and just holds you. In His hands, you will be safe, and your heart will be healed. Your pain will soon go away, and in His hands you will be healed.
When the end seems to come too soon…
When you feel as if life is not worth living…
When you cant cope…
When you feel sick, or alone, or ugly…
When you cant do anything right…
He’s waiting. He’s longing for your voice. Restless He waits. In His hands He can heal. In His hands he can free.
When life is going right…
When you are encouraged…
When you are victorious…
When you look in the mirror and you are beautiful, and radiant…
He wants to know. He is waiting to rejoice with you. He’s the first one to pop open a bottle of champagne. He’s the first one with the party hat on. He dances with you.
You see, He wants you. Just like you want Him. He could do it without you, of course, but He loves you so much, there’s a special ache in His heart for you, that only you can fill.
He would look awkward dancing by Himself. You make the dance glorious, beautiful, graceful, and purposeful. He loves you, and you love Him. You are one.
He would look strong paddling a canoe in the rapids alone. But with you… it looks like an adventure. A team. A fight between fear and valor. You help Him. He could do it alone, but together… ah, He would only do it with you.
He shows you the sights, the smells, the sounds… together… you are one.
He loves you so much. He longs for you to love Him back. He throws pebbles at the window of your heart.
Wake up and let Him in…
Beloved.
I wrote this to console me three or four years ago- but it still applies to me today, and applies to you too. :)
The Window of Your Heart
…to the Brides of Christ…
You sit there, against that Wailing Wall of your room, wondering if you are ever going to make it though this mess they call Life. Everywhere you turn someone puts you down, and the tears that stain your heart mark the pain and the burden of your rejection. Love… you are yearning for love.
But wait! Hope is coming like the Spring’s beauty after Winter’s frost. You have not been abandoned, you are not alone. There is a Lover who pursues you, and longs for you to notice Him. He is waiting.
He loves you so much that he knocks at the door of your heart, and stands in line patiently with the others. He longs for you to pick him; invite Him into your heart, and His heart shatters each time you choose someone or something else to be the love of your life.
He loves you so much He puts His strongest, fastest angels to take care of you, and watches your every move. Tears spring to His eyes when you don’t accept His angel’s help and protection, and instead accept the strength of some mortal protector, who, in the end, cannot shield you from the Enemy’s attacks.
He loves you so much He wants to give you the whole world and He does. He gives you the moon, and the stars, and lies in the grass with you, pointing out every little point of light, His heart soaring because you like it. He took so long to paint the sky so it would be beautiful for you, hoping, knowing, that it would touch your heart.
Flowers? He loves you so much He brings you flowers, millions of flowers, and shows you his sense of humor by bringing them even in the form of dandelions or ragweed. He beautifully packages His flowers in colors of green and yellow and red and purple, orange, pink, blue, white… all the colors of the rainbow. He knows you love them, and they are labeled “From your Secret Admirer.”
You’ve always longed for a Secret Admirer, someone who pursued you because you were beautiful, alluring, lovely… well, you do.
He is so much in love with you that he doesn’t care about your past. He gets down on His knees and begs you: “I love you, I have loved you for as long as I remember. Please tell me that you love me,” He pleads.
He is valiant. He fights the demons that hold you, the addictions, the obsessions, the sin that has you in chains, a phantom of fear cast around your heart. He hears your screams to be rescued, loves you so much to throw Himself at the dragon and fight for you. He could have left you to die, there are other girls who are easier to come by, who would love it if He even gave them a glance. But no… He gave them up for you. He loves you, and will go to all lengths, all risks, to get you, to prove to you His love.
He is close, and sensitive, embracing us when your heart weeps, when your life breaks apart into a million pieces. He carries you when you get scared in the storm, and comes looking for you, crying out your name, when the hurricane of your thinking separates you. He tears up about your pain when you open up to him, and with gentle hands He heals you.
He is thoughtful. In the morning He wakes you softly with the rays of the sun and the melodious songs of birds. He whispers you good morning and kisses you with the soft breeze coming in through the open window. Even on a gloomy day he has a special surprise only for your heart to know and understand. He tells you of His plans, of His purpose, about His struggles and how much He desires to be with you within the pages of His love letters to you, and is downcast and so dejected when you pass up reading His words to you for some other book or method of leisure. You allow someone or something else to romance and allure your heart, and it brings tears to His eyes and pain to His heart. He knows how weak that someone or something is, and how weak you are.
He cries out to you, longs for you to look at Him. But your gaze is fixed on someone else. The Enemy. The Enemy has captured the gaze of His beloved.
He loves you so much that He waits, even though you left Him. When you realize that the Enemy’s tune-less murmur in your ear is taking you away from He who cherishes you, you will cry out to Him. He will valiantly rescue you again. He loves you so much He will throw thousands of angels up against the Enemy, only to get you back. And he loves you so much, he will rescue you again, and again; and again, and again. Nothing you can do will make Him get angry with you enough to leave you. And He will never let the Enemy harm you. He will not leave you, He will not desert you. Although you might reject Him, He will wait patiently, pursuing your heart until you return to his arms, safe once more.
But He does not wait motionless; no. Every single moment you are away, in the Enemy’s lair, he is resless. He calls for you, runs to you, trying to make yu notice Him. He does not rest until you are rescued, safe. He pleads with you, begs you, trying to gently tell you that the way you are going leads to destruction, and heartache. His heart breaks when you let the Enemy plug your ears. He screams in anguish when you let the Enemy lead you, knowing it is towards Destruction.
“Take anything else!” He cries. “Take anything else! My home, my creation, my crown, even myself, if only you would spare my beloved! Take me instead, not her! Please!”
He loves you so much He ran into the land of Shadow to bring you out. The Enemy tied Him up with the chains destined for you. He was blamed for your addictions; He felt the pain of your abuse; He cried out when the burden of your sin was thrown upon him, wrung around His throat. He looked at you, His starry eyes tearing, as His Enemy pushed Him into the abyss, instead of you.
He loves you so much he took your past from you- your impurity, your abuse, your pain, your ugliness, your infliction, your depression, your loss, your disability, your weakness, your arrogance, your ignorance, your poverty, your nakedness, your embarrassment, your unloveableness, your scorn, your hurt, and ultimately, ultimately… your brokenness.
But… He is powerful. He is strong. So powerful, He defeated the Enemy. He defeated your sin! No longer does the Enemy’s lairs have power over you. Your addictions have been taken away from you… you are free!
Your anger has been vanquished… smile- you are free!
You are whole, perfect, pure- the scars of abuse have been taken away… you are free!
The traces of darkness, ugliness and depression have been washed away… He is victorious; rejoice! You are free!
The loss, the wounds of that which was ripped away from you by Death, by Poverty… by the forces of the Enemy, are restored… You are free!
And He runs, galliantly, towards you, arms open wide, ready to accept you into them. Tears streaming joyfully down His face, the light and beauty of His Kingdom filling the defeated darkness of the Enemy, He throws you up into the air, and catches you, embracing you. Finally you are together, free.
And when you are with Him, you are who you were made to be. He completes you.
Hand in hand He walks you down a glorious path in the woods. Butterflies, wild flowers, a shimmering brook rushing over smooth rocks and stones and cascading over them into a deliciously cool pond… Rabbits scamper as you swim and bask in the sunlight.
Then He pulls you up, out of the Valleys and into the Clouds. Up over the trees and into the mountains. The sunset sets the rocks afire. A warm, crackling campfire, roasting marshmallows and hot dogs and talking softly… You lean your head against His chest and even the chill of the starry night air cant get to you, because He is holding you.
With Him, you are whole. You are free He shows you many things, talks to you. And He wants you to talk to Him, about everything. He wants you to let Him know you.
When you feel alone, head in your hands, back against a wall, He comes walking up the aisle with His hands shoved in His pockets. He gives you a small smile and squats next to you, eyes searching, asking you to tell Him what is wrong.
When you are happy, rejoicing over an accomplishment, He throws you a party. He breaks out a grin and invites all of your friends. “Look how fantastic she is… I don’t know what I’d do without her!” He exclaims.
When you are stressed, and cant seem to get anything right, His arms embrace your world and your heart, and just holds you. In His hands, you will be safe, and your heart will be healed. Your pain will soon go away, and in His hands you will be healed.
When the end seems to come too soon…
When you feel as if life is not worth living…
When you cant cope…
When you feel sick, or alone, or ugly…
When you cant do anything right…
He’s waiting. He’s longing for your voice. Restless He waits. In His hands He can heal. In His hands he can free.
When life is going right…
When you are encouraged…
When you are victorious…
When you look in the mirror and you are beautiful, and radiant…
He wants to know. He is waiting to rejoice with you. He’s the first one to pop open a bottle of champagne. He’s the first one with the party hat on. He dances with you.
You see, He wants you. Just like you want Him. He could do it without you, of course, but He loves you so much, there’s a special ache in His heart for you, that only you can fill.
He would look awkward dancing by Himself. You make the dance glorious, beautiful, graceful, and purposeful. He loves you, and you love Him. You are one.
He would look strong paddling a canoe in the rapids alone. But with you… it looks like an adventure. A team. A fight between fear and valor. You help Him. He could do it alone, but together… ah, He would only do it with you.
He shows you the sights, the smells, the sounds… together… you are one.
He loves you so much. He longs for you to love Him back. He throws pebbles at the window of your heart.
Wake up and let Him in…
Beloved.
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